by Comrade Teargaskov
Agency unknown
I’d say the number one concern women have with their bodies is that their asses aren’t quite as fat as they would like them to be. Many husbands and boyfriends share this concern. To wit: I recently overheard this conversation between a construction worker and diamond smuggler at a local watering hole “My wife is just too fit. I love her, but if she doesn’t put on some weight, I am going to start molesting our son.”
reviewed by Comrade Teargaskov
Your humble comrade watched this video advertisement first on the screen of an iPhone 4. On that tiny screen, it was hard to discern whether I was looking at the real royal family or what I realized very quickly were some unconvincing simulacra.
For less than a few seconds, I wondered to myself whether the cool, accessible young royals had deemed it cool and accessible to shoot a fun video in advance of their wedding. I gave real consideration to the possibility that they had decided that since it was going to be a media circus, why not have a little cool, accessible fun?
As western democracy continues a decline so gentle and slow that it is almost unremarkable, I start to wonder whether we would be better off if the royals weren’t some fairy tale but real rulers instead. I for one would certainly prefer a world where I could not imagine for even a second that they had sold their dignity to T-Mobile.
To those of you who clicked on our link because you thought it was the full video of the wedding ceremony, I offer my apologies and a genuine welcome to Thirty Seconds of Hell. I’m here occasionally, ripping off Ken Layne.
Rating: Thirty Seconds of Hell
by Street Dude
This is a wonderful commercial, I love this commercial, I love the music. This commercial is a part of me, truly. It’s one of those commercials that triggers visceral memories; the halcyon of my childhood; the halcyon of the year 1990. Todd Stewart (aka Steve Martin), the president of Art Instruction School, is quite affable; his suit is ageless, still looks en vogue to me 21 years later, but ey, I ain’t no fashion guru, but I do know that he has nice sales-pitch: “Do you like to draw? Or Paint? Or maybe just sketch and doodle?”
Do you want to make boring, vapid, and kitsch art? Do you want to make art that is hung on the wall of a dentist office? Hung inside a windowless room with fluorescent lighting? Well, if you answered yes, than this test is for you.
Technically, great direction, e.g. the opening zoom through the white french doors to the lady, and check out that dovetailing crossfade. Great camera movement: copious zooms. Zooms aren’t used that much nowadays. All I wanna do is a Zooma zooma zoom and a boom boom.
Where in the world is Todd Stewart? On this beach?
Rating: 30 SECONDS OF HEAVEN
by Street Dude
I review this mediocre commercial for two reasons:
(1) To elucidate that the recipe of this T-Mobile campaign is straight-up ripped from the Apple commercials.
T-MOBILE VS. APPLE: So we swap the dude from Die Hard 4 with a comely girl, and replace the PC dude with this blogger dude . . . a keyed-white background, sanguine music, and so forth. I’m blase about both.
(2) Now come on folks, isn’t it a little absurd to watch movies on your phone? Moreover, watch Inception on a phone? Inceptions is like 2.5 hours long. There are only two situations when watching Inception, on your phone, in its entirety, is apropos:
Film is meant for the big-screen, the cinema, where you look up at a screen; film is not meant for a tiny screen to squeeze in 15 minutes here-and-there during your morning el commutes. You can call me luddite.
In conclusion, watching a film on a phone is so ignominious that it’s like a bad dream inside a bad dream inside a bad dream.
Rating: 30 Seconds of Hell
by Street Dude
When I visit my Dad — he has cable — I sometimes make my best effort to catch CNBC’s Erin Burnett on Squawk on the Street (10:30am cst) or Street Smarts (2:00pm est), because Erin Burnett is a charming and an amiable news anchor. (FYI, there is a funny viral clip of Chris Matthews hitting on Erin Burnett; then there was an episode of Squawk where some flibbertigibbet alluded to the fact that Erin ‘discussed things in the hot tub with Ben Bernanke.’ Roll tide. Can I get a hell yeah?)
One summer, I actually started learning the market. This evinced a ridged paradox between me hating Wallstreet and me waking up and watching Wallstreet traders. To make matters worse, my brother is a double-major in some sort of financial and business-related business, and inculcated me with the day traders’ parlance. Since then, my brain has flushed that parlance, but hese indelible baby commercials stick with me, and this particular one is my favorite.
Simple formula: talking-babies are a success (videlicet Look Who’s Talking, 1989, Look Who’s Talking Too, 1990), and sneezing cats are a knee-slapper. Get the baby to hold the newspaper, with the computer in front of him, fabricate the baby lips, and now you have a successful marketing device, perhaps this could evolve into a series, much like the Geico caveman debacle.
I love the cat. It’s reminds me of my sneezy cat.
Rating: 30 Seconds of Heaven
reviewed by: 1900s Baseball News Reporter
EXTRA EXTRA, READ ALL ABOUT IT.
Baby O baby, this is a grand-slam steal of a deal. This baby is a burgaler, I tell you, free hamburgers are for the winning only, not for ball-players that go out there and play like sleeping babies. Only in my sweet-dreams of candy carts and dandy-candies.
Remember when Mr. Spalding was pulled in on his chariot by two albino stags slippy-zippy right after the calamitous Chicago White Stockings bench-clearin’ brawl in April 1903? Oh yes, surely was that a bench-clearer, yes folks, I tell you, I tell you the truth. I have seen DAMES PLAY BETTER BASEBALL than this.
And whatta dunce this fairy is to drive around in circles all day, whisperin’ dixie, looking like a big douche on a mid-summer’s eve.
How in the hell does this numbnutted, bird-brained, trickle-dick-half-dim-dick-wit, idiot imbecile boob-bomb mustard-gassin’ nimcompoop MEATBALL get grub for FREE? This is a calamity!
Well, the future of baseball is here and now — and this talky-picture portends the future of baseball — in the future, babies will enslave their daddies. This is a calamity, now, isn’t it? Babies have no rights. Babies are not allowed to vote. Babies are not allowed to go to war. Babies are not allowed to play baseball in the white leagues, nor the negro leagues, babies have to play baby ball in separate baby leagues, and they play for bubble gum, not clams. And we all know that with babies, that, well, there are no rules with babies and baby baseball, its’a an all-out CALAMITY.
This cloy moving talky-picture makes fills me with disgust: how can a baby cause an entire business to give free-chow to a child to every sleeping child, and how do they expect to stay in business — or expect to win the big pennant game‽ — with this shitty commercial, it beats me.
Bugs, cranks, cranklets, mother hubbards, yes, even cranklets, they play better ball than babies; babies make playing ball seem more like a crouching crappy cricket match at Cambridge — or even worse — rounders at Rimmy’s by the docks.
This restaurant team looks like a Dutch bed of tulips, and they ain’t even ironed their damn shirt.
What if every team starting throwing the game for gambling babies, now that wouldn’t be a straight game of baseball now, would it? That would be more like shooting fish in a pickle barrel. Imagine if every clubhouse gave seats to every bug, crank, and cranklet that stormed the joint during the pennant game? What if every subordinate baby enslaved their insubordinate Daddy? What if every baby had to fight in the trenches over there in Duetchland? What if babies were in that Zeppelin? What if all babies traveled not in MODEL-Ts, but in pin-striped purple hot air balloons? What if a baby slide into third base, deliberately spiked and picked’a fight whitta Ty Cobb, proceeded to fight’em, and won the skirmish?
Now that would be a calamity, wouldn’t it‽
Rating: 30 Seconds of HELL
by kim jung-illation
Friends, greetings, , so thank me very much and you the owe me one, and this make me very happy. My english improve, you want 2 chat? I love Uto chat, but sometimes it’s hard work. I am very pleased say look at the photo above. Not commercial, just photo, just right!
I live. Blogging from New Chorlines hi new technology we create called ‘FYPE,’ which is far hiar than skyhype, because our system come with space, expanding the helmet, gaining strength shoes, Charles Barkley’s Great Funniest Basketball Pranks Volumes of 1 VHS tape coolers edition, laser-lights, hight-rope dancers, and mobile home phone. E.T. says phone home and we come in peace.
So it is story time. We cannot watch it now, so we must listen, and carefully send visuals from our story:
Man slingers to wait to find new dawn and and wants to eat some fresh flakes so he hope plane to North Korea. We watch his flakes and him eating and we North Korea government jails him, beats him, send him to prison to work’in onconcentration camp for rest of his life.
He make great worker.
by Street Dude
Street Dude is back, and he means business. The last few months, I was a 30 SEC Hell expatriate — where was I living‽ — I was over at the Huffington Post, of course, recieving a $10 lunch stipend for my 10 hours, writing about news that matters, like celebrity hook-ups, Lindsay Lohan wears mini-skirt to court, Charsheen #winning recipes, hot-pink-and-rainbow lamborgeini diablos cherros, John and Kate +8 sex tape (FYI, it was an orgy, with kids, ‘don’t ask don’t tell’), oh the horror. Yeah, Adrania Huffington, you’re a mastermind. All you need for a #winning strategy is look at hot trendz, glean keywords for pop-traffic, and make the ultimate list to drive traffic to your site:
Jennifer Lopez toothpaste booty-pop ✔
Prince William Pine-car derby ✔
Justin Bieber skittles 3D commercial ✔
Sexy Kitties MTV wet-n-wild ✔
Kendraboobies in extremis (in reversible, sporty windbreaking suit) ✔
MR. FOOTBALL ✔
Brazilian Booty Workout home-tapes SD transfer ✔
Emporer Penguin “Honkin’ on Bobo” American Idol contestant text me (only at night) ✔
Hecuba nude pics ✔
Yes, it works. As Comrade Teargaskov alluded prior, 30 Seconds of Hell’s recent hot keywords have been “Gheorge Muresan” and “medical marijuana.” Maybe we should adopt the Huffington highway and cover ‘breaking news.’ Hell, our website layout is almost as atrocious as their ghastly, barf-me-with-a-spoon layout.
Jeez, I cannot believe C-SPAN used to cite HUFFPO. Even Greta Brawner would cite it. Please site 30secondsofhell.com, especially if you’re covering Mitch Mac-daddy McConnell or Newt Gingeralewitch.
Here is the evidence: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/
But the Street Dude digresses. What a desultory review this has become. We haven’t even touched on the flakes yet, therefore, this is part 1 of 2 of the “Good Ole Wholesome Flakes, Medical Marijuana, USA, Gheorge Muresan” mini-series.
Rating: 30 Seconds of TBD
Alright! Sarah Palin Breast Implants, Our digital marketing team just alerted me that our best Tiger Woods Sex Tape traffic comes when we post about Medical Marijuana Gheorge Muresan. Is it possible that posts about very large people are page-view gold? Let’e find out, shall we?
Anyway, this ad is famous because the very large man in it is now dead.
The Heart Attack Grill serves food with a lot of fat in it. They are very clear about the fact that eating it is not good for you. They present that fact as a joke and a selling point. (The other selling points are waitresses dressed as sexy nurses) In a country as dangerously fat as this one, this place might seem in poor taste. But, that is the point and to some, it’s funny. I would probably try eating there.
The production is about right for a regional burger chain and the writing is considerably better than anything foisted upon the public by David & Goliath. Overall, it’s a pretty unremarkable ad.
I am glad that this very unhealthy person became a minor celebrity out of all of this. He really seems to be enjoying himself. Old Comrade Teargaskov was about 600 lbs when he first came to the US. It can be very sad and lonely. In those first few years, as I battled an addiction to Hot Pockets, I would have killed to be next to a little lady like the one in this ad.
We don’t even try to sell ads on the site.
Rating: Thirty Seconds of a guy who I hope is in Heaven
by Comrade Teargaskov
A few weeks ago, I expressed my hatred for Kia’s new ads in a short and ineloquent post. After seeing the above ad, the ad Kia used to showcase an important new car during the Super Bowl, I feel as though that post may have been an inadequate expression of Kia-hate. But, Kia didn’t make these ads, all they have been making are increasingly decent cheap cars. Kia may have approved these ads, but the real blame for their existence should be fixed squarely on the head of ad agency David & Goliath.
If you click through to David & Goliath’s website, the very first thing the company will subject you to is a video that is more than seven minutes long. The video touts the “culture” at David & Goliath, and pukes the most hackneyed marketing platitudes before finally getting to a few TV campaigns that for some reason, they are proud of. They also mention that they are headquartered in California, and “Californians through and through” as if that is some romantic notion, like California has some special magic that didn’t crumble at some time in the early 1990s. There are some great, great people in California, but the last couple of decades have not helped make California a selling point for your unbearably dull agency.
The highlight of the David & Goliath video begins just before the one minute mark. You’ll need to see it to believe it, but they actually highlight “Hispanic” as one of the goliath marketing assignments they can help you with.
These are people so enamored of their own “creativity” that they don’t feel stupid saying, “Hey, what if we do an ad where we use hamsters instead of people, and then we can make the cool hamsters dress like black people, and the regular hamsters will be naked, but like, they are not as cool, but you know, because it won’t seem racist, because we use hamsters instead of people” And then, because it’s not in their culture to tell one of their employees to fuck off and think of something that won’t make people want to hang themselves, the hamster idea kind of sticks around, and gets developed to the point where it makes sense to show it to the people at Kia, because, they’ve put some work into it and most of the people in the office like it.
And they show the ad to these people that represent the marketing arm of the American arm of Kia Motors. And they giggle, and approve it. And it becomes a hit with a lot of people putting it in the kind of spam e-mail you get from relatives who just figured out that e-mail exists.
And there is press on how popular and effective this ad is, which tells the people at David & Goliath that they should be confident in their ideas and even if something seems immeasurably stupid, they should give it a chance, because it might be the next big hit. And they talk about how “brave” they are for giving their inane, simple ideas room to breath and grow.
And maybe it will be a big hit, but the fact that McDonalds sells millions of pounds of awful food every year doesn’t make that food good. It is merely easy to eat, easy to get and anything but challenging.
Anyway, this new ad, “Epic Drive” is another piece of garbage in the David & Goliath portfolio.
Rating: Thirty Seconds of Hell
