Cotton Commercial: The Fabric of Zooey Deschanel’s Faultless and Fashionable Lifestyle

Lately, we at 30 Seconds of Hell (Comrade Teargaskov, Street Dude, and Urban Pal) have been excessively soft with our reviews — too soft — and this cute and cottony commercial, featuring the adorable Zooey Deschanel, further perpetuates our pussy-ness as television commercial advertisement reviewers. Well, truth is, the big advertising firms slip us cash, and in return we praise their commercials; hey, we gotta pay the bills somehow. Blogging 4 cash is the best way for us to buy alcohol, and with that alcohol we drink away the regret we feel for accepting those bribes. This is the bane of our blog, we are scum, and you can pay us to just about anything. We will rake your yard or clean your rat cage on a daily basis if the price is right.

Bloggers, buttheads, and babies are the only species that fail to recognize the subliminal messages embedded in television commercials, however, us supreme beings are well aware of the messages the New World Order sends through the TV. When Zooey Deschanel stars in a cotton commercial, I do not care about the subliminal messages — all I care about is soaking up all 30 seconds of Zooey as she delightfully prances around in cute outfits.

In this spot, it is crystal-clear that Zooey Deschanel’s lifestyle is glorified, and by default, lionized. We open with Zooey singing her song, solo on stage, with a single microphone at some nonexistent speakeasy; next, we observe Zooey at her piano as she jots down musical ideas, ideas she pulls from the innermost of creative streams of the subconscious; then we observe Zooey flipping through a stack of wax at an independent record store; and throughout we gaze at Zooey in cottoned outfits. Many girls idolize the fashion sense of Zooey Deschanel, a particular case being the youngest Kardashian daughter, who, at the age of nine, gave herself a Zooey makeover, bangs and all. The Kardashians are the most important family in America, think about that. Now you understand.

Cotton successfully conveys their intended message: Cotton is beautiful, wear cotton clothing, and we love Zooey.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Zooey Deschanel (30 seconds of H E A V E N)