by kim jung il lation

RULES FOR THIS POST: Ladies and gentlemen, I am honored and pleased to present to you, the UNNAMED COCA COLA / SPEEDWAY SIGNERS. select one audio track below before reading my special holiday review. I own many compaq diks. Ding dong.

Each provide different yet intimate setting to this special holdiay review.

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Warriors! Come out and play. I bring the gong and you bring the sleigh. Let us put down our weapons, let us put down our doubts, let us put down the fear street paperback novels, and let us put on our plush-spa robes and visit SYBARIS for plush-spa robes and holiday treats. Anything by author R.L. Stine sitting under the tree is a holiday treat.

Sing We Now of Plush Spa Robes. Yes, believe me when I say, I spake of the coming of plush-spa robes long, long ago. Aye, yes, I will dust off these ancient Sybaris glyphs and tell you the story of the Sybaris, where there is a golden shower, a water slide, and how do you say, fountain with water. Cookies and kingdoms from the wise men far, bearing ancient treasure, tiny metal ancient die-cast metal car.

Sing we noel. Sing we now of plush spa robe, sing we now of the golden steam showers at Sybaris.

Blessings on the O COME! O COME! O COME emmaunuel. Music to my hears. I love those cool cats, whattaya call e,? The battery pack? Big in the prohibition, sorry I’m not good with American history of pop culture.

Yes, the story is as goes: in the land of the red, the white and the blue lotus, there will rise a rise an island getaway that is indoors. Many’d said this is not possible, as I use urban dictionary, I learn of Sybaris there are cool tools, complete with no rules, with water slide and many brass accessories.

This opportunity sells itself. I can seal the deal with two words: water side.

Make a splash. The water slide is the selling point of this hot deal. Getting hot in there will only get hotter once you get the plush spa robe involved.

Vut we all secretly know the water bed is the X-factor. Hopefully they have than a baker’s dozen hot and heated waterbeds in my Sybaris room, because I know how to party. Put it in there, right there, get that robe, and I will be signing O HOLY NIGHT on your scratch pad.

My spirit tell me if you’re enjoying a splash in the indoor pool, no worries, just jump in the hot tub and heat it up. Torn up, torn to pieces, apart the dial a bit and gets those jets dialt up, get it hot n steamy for you at that night of specialty. Very special times I write of.

I sincerely promise with all my heart that mountain legend has it that the plush spa robe carry many a special power. It carry the innate ability to build a special room duplicate to the finest sweets at sybaris. Firstly, think of how happy puppy make my country, North Korea. Secondly, get me a big bowl of rice for me and my country, and a Sybaris Plush Spa robe, and I am inviting you over to the milk and cookies, PRONTO. Put that in your Mountain Book and publish it.

Angels, we have heard on high the triumph of Plush Spa robe and the hope it will bring to our lovely Earth. Can’t we all just be friends? You know, I have a warm heart, too, and Mr Kim want to share it with you, Gloria! Wisconsin women have pretty voice.

ILLATIONS:

1. Kim Jung il lation has a promise for you: i drop the weapons, filling every heart with Joy this upcoming season.
2. If work with food, not weapons, and consider the history of the East’s relationship with the West and the oppression, maybe we can C&C Music factory eye-to-eye on a few issues.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Heaven

Special note: special thanks to HAL on this special commercial. : )

Especially if you own a Mercedes Benz. Who cares if your wife is cheating on you? You’re cheating on her too. With the magic of all-wheel drive, you can fuck whoever, you know?

Anyway, this is clever in a kind of “Gift of the Magi” way, even if it does suggest that our society is just about as morally bankrupt as everyone already knows it is. Yep, just a couple of people cheating on their spouses, which TV viewer, is exactly what you should aspire to do, drive a big car and fuck someone who isn’t your wife.

Oh well, 30 Seconds of Heaven.

By Kim-Jung ill ation

The other night, I was awake — all alone in my castle — and I was looking through the North Korean archives. I tell the truth when I say there are many cool things in the North Korean archives, including gumball machines, pinball machines, and laser-tag. Back during the Korean war, my side won. After we won, the US Government was forced to keep their promise and hand over the prize, the big one. This very old videotape was handed to us.

This videotape is over 300 years old and captures the very first Thanksgiving dinner at the Plymouth Plantation, in Massachusetts. This is a very rare videotape on VHS. This videotape actually captures the very special dinner between the Indians and the white pilgrims. The event was very special because KFC catered the event and this is the reason why we have Thanksgiving every year.

The fun fact is that chicken was the feast at the first Thanksgiving dinner, but over time turkey became the staple dinner because Americans became  fatter and they wanted more food to eat.

It is rumored that the colonial was the master of ceremony, but most people forget that the colonial actually is the Greek god, the baby snake that feed Zeus all of his juicy juice and juicy fruit.

Rating: 30 Seconds of me hungee.

by kim-jun il-lation

Laserdisc 아주 아주 아주 크고 멋진. marquette에 최고 품질. 날 사랑의 그들은 나를 내 잘못 reminda – 정말 지금은 하늘의 천둥 소리 네 미를 사랑 성난 파도와 신성한 거룩한 산의 영광을 생각나게 해요.

일본어 상용 임에도 불구하고, 구어체 사용하려면 북한 지도자들이 5 개국과 큰 파도의 세네카를 즐길 수 있습니다.

Laserdisc very big and very nice.  Best quality on the marquette.  They reminda mea me of me love — so much love 4 U.  The sounds of thunder in the sky now remind me of the glory of the raging waves and the sacred holy mountain.

To be colloquial, despite being a japanese commercial, the North Korea leader enjoy the seneca of the five nations and the big waves.

Rating: 30 Seconds of HEaven

Hi, I’m here to talk to you about money. Look at me — I’m walking around a beautfiul desert landscape, talking about making money, and tell you that, “the American dream is gone and it ain’t coming back.” During shooting breaks, the production team drank fruit punch and ate edible panties — over 10 boxes of edible panties —boy, our dogs were tired after that day of shooting.

Luckily, we had some nice and dandy unpaid commerical actors providing testimonies regarding our unscucessful scheme program that since has folded. Footage of these unpaid commerical actors gave us something to cut away to, because I (i’m in the cowboy hat) cut my shooting schedule short — frankly, I ate too many gosh darn edible panties. Then our unpaid production assistants and our unpaid interns ran to the store to buy more edibile panties. What were they thinking? More edible panties? Those damn unpaid interns and production assistants should know better; they know I can’t stop eating edible panties.

Get a load of this: after production ended, my unpaid producer hauls in this box filled with receipts to me, receipts from the unpaid interns and production assistants, askin’ I be reimbersin’ for their takin’ kindly to my edible panty-fixin’-hankerin’. Now I’m a straight shooter and I tell ‘em how it tis: “You’re unpaid! Christ, you knew you’re going to be unpaid at the darn time you signed your unpaid contract. Were you expecting a for-hire opportunity after production? Don’t make me laugh. Christ, I ain’t ‘embersing you for the edible panties. I don’t care what you do on your tax returns. Cook the books or something. Write it off as a gift! Leave me alone, I want to play with my toys in my office.”

Wow-wee. Production was something else. My dogs were killin’ after production.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Hell

Lovesick of Television

Sometimes you need to take a break from television commercial reviews, simply because you are overwhelmed by how much you love to be sick by television.

In this instance, this Capri Sun©®™ commercial — great juice pouch, btw — speaks volumes. Some might describe Capri Sun as a nice juice pouch to sip from as you take a nice stroll beside the lakeside. I want to be on this beautiful beach, whilst sippin’ my Capri Sun©®™. I’ll tell you why: it is a Capri Sun island paradise, and that’s a fact. I want to be in this commercial: it states that the Capri Sun ©®™ fruit drink is 11% juice, which, by today’s 2010 standards, is the purrrfect amount of juice to fuel one throughout the day. Just like this Capri Sun ©®™ commercial states: there is only one, Capri Sun. Time to hit the beach! Big Waves to hit, y’all!

Rating: 30 Seconds of Heaven

This lost gem from 1994 is one of those “is this a real product?” commercials that makes you wonder how well they thought the product’s name through. I realize that 1994 was over 15 years ago, but I’m pretty sure the term “boner,” has been used as slang for an erect penis since at least the mid ’80s. How could the Wunder Boner’s creator have not realized this? Or maybe it’s possible that they purposely chose such a silly name as a way to use humor to sell their product.

The ad starts with a simple premise; three friends fishing on a warm summer’s day. One friend seems to be humoring the other two by continuing to hang out with them after becoming a successful businessman while they work to get their high-school equivalency. The two “good-ol’ boys,” are suddenly shocked when their pretentious asshole of a friend willingly offers to clean the day’s catch. This turns into another opportunity for him to condescendingly teach his less fortunate friends something new. Thus, the unveiling of the ‘Wunder Boner.”

As the product is gruesomely demonstrated, one can’t help but think of the word, “Fatality!” from the popular Mortal Kombat video-game series. One friend (whose secret acting weapon is simply tipping his University of Michigan baseball cap before speaking) exclaims “the Wunder Boner!” The other, more portly gentlemen, jokes “my wife would like that.” It’s statements like this which make me think more and more, that whoever wrote the script for this commercial was having a lil’ bit o’ fun with it. The ad ends with the three friends sitting around a campfire, merrily feasting on their perfectly de-boned fish. All parties agree, “the Wunder Boner is a winner.”

Rating: 30 Seconds of WTF?