With this commercial, 30 Seconds of Hell kick-starts our continuing “Tall as a Damn Mountain” series, wherein we cull commercials with the tallest people in all the land.
Part one of our series features another clever commercial from ESPN’s Sportscenter. This commercial features former-NBA Allstar, Gheorghe Muresan, a 7′ 7” center who played for the Washington Bullets in the ’90s. He is really tall. Gheorghe is such an erudite — a damn tall erudite — that he starred in My Giant (1998) with co-star, Billy Crystal.
In a white-collar office setting, we observe colossal hulking Gheorghe Muresan as dances. This may sound like a TALL TALE; however, this did happen, this really happened, in real life, this is not a tall tale, it’s tall entertainment, a tall pleasure every dance-step of the way.
I like to think of the creative board meetings, the pre-productions phases of this project that prefaced. I imagine the creative team being like, “Hey, what we got, whose got a pitch, hurry up, I’m not listening.” Soon after, someone meek stands up and says, “I colored-penciled storyboards with Gheorghe Muresan dancing in the office.” The creative director, whilst smoking a cigar, turns and says, “Colored pencil? Oh brother, not more colored pencils. Kid, are you shitting me?” The meek man replies, “24 piece Crayola. Sharpened as a Native American arrow head.” The cigar-ed boss replies, “Kid, you’re promoted, I’m so sick of all these schmucks drawing with those garbage brands Rose Art and Color Busters.” Cigar boss turns to Belinda, the secretary, “Get Gheorghe Muresan’s agent on the phone, pronto, or YOU’RE FIRED.”
Before I wrote this digressing review, I thought of transcribing the entire commercial — then I realized that would be a waste of time, for I’m watching CNBC right now, and American Greed is on. My point is this: take your money out of banks and stuff it under your mattress, pay attention to the simple dialogue in this commercial, and enjoy yourself whilst Gheorghe Muresan dances.
After writing this, I now realize that most of Gheorghe’s fame and success in the public eye has focused only on his height, and despite the title of this post, this post is about the joy Gheorghe spreads. It’s not all about his height, it’s about what’s inside of his tall body, and inside of his tall body is a big, warm heart.
Rating: 30 Seconds of Heaven
Sky-tops Gheorghe Muresan greets us at the door with a sky-high welcome
Sometimes you need to take a break from television commercial reviews, simply because you are overwhelmed by how much you love to be sick by television.
*This post was written by Chris Tucker, 30 Seconds of Hell guest blogger and star of the Rush Hour trilogy.
Hey! Did you know you that you just a skeleton under all that stupid skin your body wear? Nah? Well, I’m gonna rip your skin off by playin’ a nasty ass highlight reel of the mother f**king Sega Genesis games — games like Helicopter®, Wolf®, Sports®, Football®, Sports®, and motha f**king LING LING®.
Hey! Sega CD is meritorious because it introduced the compact disc into the sphere of gaming; it initiated the epoch of the compact disc; without Sega CD, God neva wouldda created the Sega Saturn — God’s gift to women — Sega Saturn was the best system in the history of the world, because it gave us Virtual Cop 1 and Virtual Cop 2, enough said, you ask your Grandmama, she know, and I’m out!
Now it time for you to geta damn spatula and you just go now a scrape your lil cat fluffy off your bunk-ass walls nah. And you know you betta white wash them walls clean now.
Do you understand the words that are coming-outta-my-mouth?
I hope you’re not hungry, because this is yet another jumbo meal deal from the McDonald’s Corporation (the other meal deal can be found here). Dikembe Mutombo — the NBA’s most notorious finger-wagging, shot-blocking king — endorsed this jumbo deal 20, 30, possibly 100 years ago. Seemingly since television has existed, McDonald’s has affixed this notion that NBA superstars, e.g., Dikembe ‘Jumbo’ Mutombo, eat a large plate of the double quarter-pounder, or depending on the decade, the triple cheese, before they hit the court for that championship game. This long-standing link is upheld by way of basketball superstars — Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, Bob Cousy, Dwight Howard, Trooper Washington, Tiny Archibald, Goo Kennedy, Kirby Boobiblatz, Detlef Schrempf, Dom DeLuise, — wow … wait … eight minutes ago the associated press reported that NBA superstar LeBron James reaches multiyear deal to shill for McDonald’s.
This brilliant commercial used to run between every commercial break during the 2007 NBA playoffs. This guy knows how to save the day, and save his friend’s ass, by bringing the hors d’oeuvres to the party, and boy does he bring it big time with the double quarter pounder (with cheese). He uses common sense: Who doesn’t want to eat cheeseburgers whilst watching the big game? After that, they had the best time at his party.
MaaacDonald’s knows how to connect with America’s young adults.
I’ve never considered riding a Kawasaki motorcycle to be psychedelic, but after watching this commercial, seemingly Kawasaki was making an effort to market the experience of riding a Kawasaki to be similar to tripping while riding a cosmic surf board through a wormhole. Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey was released in 1968 — it was a hit — with a total domestic box-office gross of $56,715,371, and receiving four Oscar nominations, one of which Stanley Kubrick won for Best Effects, Special Visual Effects.
Television was different in the ’70s; television advertising was open to being experimental, innovative, and effective textbook formula’s had yet to be set in stone. Dudes were still pioneering. Anyway, this sorta is a gem, considering the commercials Kawasaki is producing presently. I admire the agency’s (J. Walter Thompson/NY) willingness to gamble. Watch and be ready for a build-up that will trip you through the portal.
I’m going to start naming the ad agencies behind this kind of garbage. I don’t know what it is about this ad that I find so offensive but god does it make me want to freak out. The premise goes like this: A group of babies skate around dancing to Rappers Delight.
That’s it. People love this. Somehow, the BETC page lists Dan the Automator under “Music:”
Rating: Thirty Seconds of Hell and Dan, what the hell?
I was in a bar when this commercial came on between baseball-type activities. Being a closeted car person, I was pretty jazzed up to see all those great Porsches on the teevee machine. Yep, feeling pretty good, until I realized it was an ad for Porsche’s newest rolling catastrophe, the Panamera. If you thought that Ferdinand Porsche’s involvement in the Third Reich was unpleasant, just take a look at the motherfucking Panamera. As if the disgusting Cayenne weren’t enough, they trot out this obese piece of trash on national television.
Now, the commercial. Had it been an ad for a new 911 or even a new Cayman, it would have been brilliant. But reminding the viewer of a 60 years history focused on building the world’s greatest sports cars is not how I would go about introducing another porky, homely transportation appliance with a great big engine to make it go fast. Way to to devalue one of the last credible brands in the auto industry.
Rating: Thirty Seconds of Hell and Ferdinand Porsche receiving karmic payback for designing all of those Nazi tanks and ripping off Hans Ledwinka.
Ok, here’s our first ad. Weirdly enough, I like it. It’s basically Peyton Manning and Mastercard making fun of how horrible and boring our work-a-day lives are. Because I know how horrible and boring my work-a-day life is, I can kind of relax and take in the spectacle of this billionaire man-child cheering for losers who in many cases appear at least slightly more successful than me.
Part one of our series features another clever commercial from ESPN’s Sportscenter. This commercial features former-NBA Allstar, Gheorghe Muresan, a 7′ 7” center who played for the Washington Bullets in the ’90s. He is really tall. Gheorghe is such an erudite — a damn tall erudite — that he starred in My Giant (1998) with co-star, Billy Crystal.
