by Mr. Football

Sup Mr. Losers, this is Mr. Football, and I’am going open a can of whoop-ass on you’re tooosh, using yo’ure ass as the can opening, you little wimps.

Now, many dudes like myself like checkin’ phacebook for status feeds, live updates, and creeping a lil sneak peeak at and up the cheerleader squads’ mini-skirts. I’m all like, “Pull your minis up.” “Babe, come’on, pull that mini up for Mr. Football.” Then I’m like, “I swear, babers, I’m Mr. Football, but my middle name is Mr. Sincere.”

Albeit, this wimp makes me POed: I mean, this wimp scores the Touch Down on his first date, but totally biffs on the xtra point. He and his namby-pamby car have some stupid facebook super computer installed and that just reminds me of the damn contemplative endings of Doogie Howser MD., when he writes in that freakin’ computer journal. That is some lame, I WANT SURGE.

Real men check there Facebook status for hot chicks, but real men wait until after practice.

Rating: 30 seconds of wimp stew.

by kim-jung il-lation

A wisey-tisey comrade teargaskov once said, “Well, holy hell. If there’s one thing the teabagging masses love it’s people dressed in colonial garb. If there’s another thing, it’s furries dressed in colonial garb” End quote.

I, for one, could not agree more with Teargaskov ancient Korean proverb. Michelle Mcdonal

Here’s a fun one. This Willie Horton ad is a classic. Notice how the words “Kidnapping”, “Stabbing”, and “Raping” appear on the screen. Michael Dukakis personally let Willie out of his cell. Willie kept saying “Mike, I cannot wait to get out of this jail cell so that I can commence with the rapin’” and Dukakis was like, “Hold your horses, we’ll get you out on the streets in no time. God George HW Bush would totally kick my ass if he knew I was doing this, haw haw, gimme some more blow (COCAINE), haw, haw.”

The ad played a significant role in getting Bush elected. Dukakis is the president of his cell block in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

And that is why we won the first Gulf War so decisively. And then Ross Perot.

Rating: Thirty Seconds of Heaven

This commercial is darkness. Corporate mania.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Hell.

Okay, time for our weekly L. Ron Hubbard recap:

L. Ron Hubbard is the founder of Scientology — he was either a compulsive liar — or he tapped in to the deepest darkest secrets of the Universe.

Hubbard claims he became the protege of a revered Native American shaman at the early age of four. This may have fueled his fire to write 1,084 fiction works, one of which he was awarded the faux IG Nobel Prize — a prize that is awarded to works that “first make people laugh, and then make them think” — the prize is then presented by a group that includes genuine Nobel Laureates at a ceremony at Harvard University’s Sanders Theater.

What, exactly, does Scientology say about space aliens? Well, according to OT III (Operating Thetan level 3), L. Ron Hubbard writes:

… 75 million years ago, the head of the Galactic Federation, made up of 76 planets, was a being named Xenu. Faced with an overpopulation problem, he brought beings to this planet, blew them up with hydrogen bombs, and packaged them. Their spirits now infest our bodies: he says “One’s body is a mass of individual thetans stuck to oneself or to the body.” Scientologists at this level try to rid themselves of these thetans (spirits) by helping each one to remember the painful experiences of being blown up like that.

I must state that I have no understanding of this ‘Galactic Federation’; it recalls TV shows like Star Trek and Battlestar Galactica; I wonder if this book advertisement played during commercial breaks of the aforementioned. Also, I have not read the “Operating Thetan Level 3″, I pulled the above citation from scientology-lies.com, and judging by the domain name, this has a high probability of being bias.

Now, I’m not writing to brief you on the beliefs of Scientology, nor the ‘parasitic’ aliens that have infested our bodies, I’m writing to highlight how shitty this commercial is — and my review is in the title.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Truth?

End Note: I do admire how this commercial is a book advertisement. When is the last time you saw a book commercial that wasn’t a get-rich-quick infomercial?