30 Seconds of Hell is updated daily.

In a world like ours, with television that’s so dirty, it’s nice to see something so clean, so pure, and it’s nice to turn on the TV to find women singing and dancing around the house — such respite from the garrulous garbage commercials that maim our delicate, perm-press, tumble dry-low minds.

I cannot resist singing this jingle around the house. “Stain gone, in the first, first, wash!” If you ever have trouble motivating yourself to leave the house to do laundry at J’s lavandaria, just start singing this jingle. It works, and if you don’t believe me, call 1-800-555-1212, and we’ll give you a gift card.

Honestly, I watch this commercial over, and over, and over. Clearly this commercial is shamelessly targeting the female demographic, but still, it really softens my fabricate.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Heaven

by Street Dude

This is a wonderful commercial, I love this commercial, I love the music. This commercial is a part of me, truly. It’s one of those commercials that triggers visceral memories; the halcyon of my childhood; the halcyon of the year 1990. Todd Stewart (aka Steve Martin), the president of Art Instruction School, is quite affable; his suit is ageless, still looks en vogue to me 21 years later, but ey, I ain’t no fashion guru, but I do know that he has nice sales-pitch: “Do you like to draw? Or Paint? Or maybe just sketch and doodle?”

Do you want to make boring, vapid, and kitsch art? Do you want to make art that is hung on the wall of a dentist office? Hung inside a windowless room with fluorescent lighting? Well, if you answered yes, than this test is for you.

Technically, great direction, e.g. the opening zoom through the white french doors to the lady, and check out that dovetailing crossfade. Great camera movement: copious zooms. Zooms aren’t used that much nowadays. All I wanna do is a Zooma zooma zoom and a boom boom.

Where in the world is Todd Stewart? On this beach?

Rating: 30 SECONDS OF HEAVEN

by Mr. Football

“We are not doing it.”

Chica babe, what are you talking about, we are contractually obligated to do all night long after you put on your Mack daddy makeup. So let’s just kiss and make up and get that box of Franza, pick up a few bags of Totinos, and put on the DMX CD. I’m talking an overtime work out — and I’m going for that two-point conversion — and … IT’S GOOD. I’M GOING TO DISNEYLAND.

Go daddy, you always leave me hanging.

I mean, I have to visit your website just to bust a quick nut?

Rating: 30 Seconds of has anyone seen my DMX CD?

by Mr. Football

These cars are talking about having sex and there talking about Tina’s topless MAMBAS. I am filled with questions about what Tina looks like topless. I’m sure it’s just like candy. MAMBA daddy goes ay ay, Mammacita. Remember what Mr. Football says? You got it right.

Daddy wants it and daddy needs it. PEPSI MAXX.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Maxim Magazine

by Mr. Football

Now just because my name is Mr. Football does not mean that the team did not call me Mr. Pizza during my Freshman year. I ATE SO MUCH PIZZA, I HAD TO GEAR UP FOR TRAINING CAMP. Coach said ate pizza and lots of it. What are you looking at? You gotta problemo, Paco? What chaco? U looking at me?

Football > your geek club

Anyway, these GoDaddy commercials are awesome. I mean, I often call my pizza lunch awesome and I usually awesome is the only adjective I use to describe anything life has to offer.

WAH WOOMBA. AY PAPPY, CHECK OUT THE JONGAS ON THE HOT MAMMA. Some serious tigs, y-ell-o, operating, please connect me to those awesome rack of congas. Seriously, I’m stoked. I GOT A FEELING THAT TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A GOOD NIGHT.

Wowee. Some serious bazookas and daddy wants it and daddy needs it. WAH WOOMBA. AY AY, AY AY PAPPY, me bad a bad boy. Give me spankings — after practice, of course. AY AY hot bazooka momma come watch me practice and thereafter we can get jiggy in the hot tub and buy some freakin awesome domain names using only your JONGAS. HOT HOT, 911 WARNING: VERY HOT YA-YAS.

Rating: 30 seconds of awesome.

by Mr. Football

Sup Mr. Losers, this is Mr. Football, and I’am going open a can of whoop-ass on you’re tooosh, using yo’ure ass as the can opening, you little wimps.

Now, many dudes like myself like checkin’ phacebook for status feeds, live updates, and creeping a lil sneak peeak at and up the cheerleader squads’ mini-skirts. I’m all like, “Pull your minis up.” “Babe, come’on, pull that mini up for Mr. Football.” Then I’m like, “I swear, babers, I’m Mr. Football, but my middle name is Mr. Sincere.”

Albeit, this wimp makes me POed: I mean, this wimp scores the Touch Down on his first date, but totally biffs on the xtra point. He and his namby-pamby car have some stupid facebook super computer installed and that just reminds me of the damn contemplative endings of Doogie Howser MD., when he writes in that freakin’ computer journal. That is some lame, I WANT SURGE.

Real men check there Facebook status for hot chicks, but real men wait until after practice.

Rating: 30 seconds of wimp stew.

by kim jung il lation

RULES FOR THIS POST: Ladies and gentlemen, I am honored and pleased to present to you, the UNNAMED COCA COLA / SPEEDWAY SIGNERS. select one audio track below before reading my special holiday review. I own many compaq diks. Ding dong.

Each provide different yet intimate setting to this special holdiay review.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Warriors! Come out and play. I bring the gong and you bring the sleigh. Let us put down our weapons, let us put down our doubts, let us put down the fear street paperback novels, and let us put on our plush-spa robes and visit SYBARIS for plush-spa robes and holiday treats. Anything by author R.L. Stine sitting under the tree is a holiday treat.

Sing We Now of Plush Spa Robes. Yes, believe me when I say, I spake of the coming of plush-spa robes long, long ago. Aye, yes, I will dust off these ancient Sybaris glyphs and tell you the story of the Sybaris, where there is a golden shower, a water slide, and how do you say, fountain with water. Cookies and kingdoms from the wise men far, bearing ancient treasure, tiny metal ancient die-cast metal car.

Sing we noel. Sing we now of plush spa robe, sing we now of the golden steam showers at Sybaris.

Blessings on the O COME! O COME! O COME emmaunuel. Music to my hears. I love those cool cats, whattaya call e,? The battery pack? Big in the prohibition, sorry I’m not good with American history of pop culture.

Yes, the story is as goes: in the land of the red, the white and the blue lotus, there will rise a rise an island getaway that is indoors. Many’d said this is not possible, as I use urban dictionary, I learn of Sybaris there are cool tools, complete with no rules, with water slide and many brass accessories.

This opportunity sells itself. I can seal the deal with two words: water side.

Make a splash. The water slide is the selling point of this hot deal. Getting hot in there will only get hotter once you get the plush spa robe involved.

Vut we all secretly know the water bed is the X-factor. Hopefully they have than a baker’s dozen hot and heated waterbeds in my Sybaris room, because I know how to party. Put it in there, right there, get that robe, and I will be signing O HOLY NIGHT on your scratch pad.

My spirit tell me if you’re enjoying a splash in the indoor pool, no worries, just jump in the hot tub and heat it up. Torn up, torn to pieces, apart the dial a bit and gets those jets dialt up, get it hot n steamy for you at that night of specialty. Very special times I write of.

I sincerely promise with all my heart that mountain legend has it that the plush spa robe carry many a special power. It carry the innate ability to build a special room duplicate to the finest sweets at sybaris. Firstly, think of how happy puppy make my country, North Korea. Secondly, get me a big bowl of rice for me and my country, and a Sybaris Plush Spa robe, and I am inviting you over to the milk and cookies, PRONTO. Put that in your Mountain Book and publish it.

Angels, we have heard on high the triumph of Plush Spa robe and the hope it will bring to our lovely Earth. Can’t we all just be friends? You know, I have a warm heart, too, and Mr Kim want to share it with you, Gloria! Wisconsin women have pretty voice.

ILLATIONS:

1. Kim Jung il lation has a promise for you: i drop the weapons, filling every heart with Joy this upcoming season.
2. If work with food, not weapons, and consider the history of the East’s relationship with the West and the oppression, maybe we can C&C Music factory eye-to-eye on a few issues.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Heaven

Special note: special thanks to HAL on this special commercial. : )

Welcome to hell.

30 Seconds of Hell is back on the internet and we are bolder, sexier, hotter, more popular, and cheaper than all of our competitors.

Follow Comrade Teargaskov, Street Dude, Urban Pal, Kim-jung ill ation, and the entire 30 Seconds of Hell crew on Twitter at http://twitter.com/30SECondsofHELL.

Twitter yourself.

It took our I.T. team weeks to set this up.

by kim-jung il-lation

A wisey-tisey comrade teargaskov once said, “Well, holy hell. If there’s one thing the teabagging masses love it’s people dressed in colonial garb. If there’s another thing, it’s furries dressed in colonial garb” End quote.

I, for one, could not agree more with Teargaskov ancient Korean proverb. Michelle Mcdonal

by kim-jun il-lation

Now we don’t allow corn syrup in my country, call forth malaise, for very much that the matter, but if we did, we would not play this commercial, because we don’t have a free-circuit media in the DPRK. My news is permitted, whilst news that addresses the actuality realities of the matters is not allowed; therefore, DPRK not much different than your country, the United States of America. North Korea does not have balloon baby news story, and lady who throw acid on her own face new story, but hey, we are just like you, except me not allowed to use internet, too unpredictable.

Fruit punch: never had the drink, but very much sound like one of those “just for kids” things. I don’t know what to do sometimes, so I try new things, much like other leaders of countries, we don’t allow micdonnald’s in my country, but DPRK does not care, because micdonnald’s just like hy-fruit-tose corn syrup: it make whey the options of 3 american size olypic swimming pools.

ILLATIONS:

I like how Amy Poehler star in the commercial, she is a good actress.

It is tough stuff to win a gold medal.

The next commercial I review is for “LA Lights.”

Rating: 30 Seconds of Hell.