by Comrade Teargaskov

Agency unknown

I’d say the number one concern women have with their bodies is that their asses aren’t quite as fat as they would like them to be. Many husbands and boyfriends share this concern. To wit: I recently overheard this conversation between a construction worker and diamond smuggler at a local watering hole “My wife is just too fit. I love her, but if she doesn’t put on some weight, I am going to start molesting our son.”

Hi, I’m here to talk to you about money. Look at me — I’m walking around a beautfiul desert landscape, talking about making money, and tell you that, “the American dream is gone and it ain’t coming back.” During shooting breaks, the production team drank fruit punch and ate edible panties — over 10 boxes of edible panties —boy, our dogs were tired after that day of shooting.

Luckily, we had some nice and dandy unpaid commerical actors providing testimonies regarding our unscucessful scheme program that since has folded. Footage of these unpaid commerical actors gave us something to cut away to, because I (i’m in the cowboy hat) cut my shooting schedule short — frankly, I ate too many gosh darn edible panties. Then our unpaid production assistants and our unpaid interns ran to the store to buy more edibile panties. What were they thinking? More edible panties? Those damn unpaid interns and production assistants should know better; they know I can’t stop eating edible panties.

Get a load of this: after production ended, my unpaid producer hauls in this box filled with receipts to me, receipts from the unpaid interns and production assistants, askin’ I be reimbersin’ for their takin’ kindly to my edible panty-fixin’-hankerin’. Now I’m a straight shooter and I tell ‘em how it tis: “You’re unpaid! Christ, you knew you’re going to be unpaid at the darn time you signed your unpaid contract. Were you expecting a for-hire opportunity after production? Don’t make me laugh. Christ, I ain’t ‘embersing you for the edible panties. I don’t care what you do on your tax returns. Cook the books or something. Write it off as a gift! Leave me alone, I want to play with my toys in my office.”

Wow-wee. Production was something else. My dogs were killin’ after production.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Hell

We may be breaking our rules here; however, this is one dandy television infomercial. This guy is frivolous:

1. He wears a white buttoned all the way to the tippy-top!
2. His maniacal laugh.
3. 16 seconds in, we hear him fall off his car whilst off-screen. (Whilst, whilst, whilst, whilst).
4. “Insert finger here.” Later on, “Insert two fingers here.”

No one in their right mind would have such zest whilst selling clam earrings, earrings made from the same metal material as those crumby, made-in-China rings you buy from the gumball machine for 50¢.

Whilst talking to a guy off-screen, he begins his ventriloquist lip-syncing act. Riotous!

Oh, but how I love the lavender picture-in-picture that frames he whilst the close-up of the clam earrings hang on screen. This spring, oh have I longed, and whilst longing, I have looked for thee, and now I have found the ne plus ultra picture-in-picture infomercial where a frivolous guy deals clam shell earrings at DOOR BUSTER prices.

The ultimate highlight of this spot is when the riotous guy demonstrates a ‘how to: insert earrings into your ear.’ I love this guy … come to think, I wouldn’t mind being an infomercial dude who sells clam shell earrings. As a matter of fact, I would probably model myself after this guy. Wow, this guy is really great. I hope he reads this. I wonder how many earrings he sold that day. Thousands.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Whilst

I’m not entirely clear on what this commercial is supposed to be advertising for, but it sure is offensive. No amount of sentimental banjo playing or smiling black laborers can convince me otherwise.

Confederate Family acknowledges that many other people might feel similarly to me and answers back with the statement, “no matter what they call you, at the end of the day, you’re still just Dad.” Yes, a very racist Dad in a very racist family. Congratulations!

Our next racist ad needs no explanation. If you are not offended by this, there is seriously something wrong with you.
Rating: 60 Seconds of Offensive

This lost gem from 1994 is one of those “is this a real product?” commercials that makes you wonder how well they thought the product’s name through. I realize that 1994 was over 15 years ago, but I’m pretty sure the term “boner,” has been used as slang for an erect penis since at least the mid ’80s. How could the Wunder Boner’s creator have not realized this? Or maybe it’s possible that they purposely chose such a silly name as a way to use humor to sell their product.

The ad starts with a simple premise; three friends fishing on a warm summer’s day. One friend seems to be humoring the other two by continuing to hang out with them after becoming a successful businessman while they work to get their high-school equivalency. The two “good-ol’ boys,” are suddenly shocked when their pretentious asshole of a friend willingly offers to clean the day’s catch. This turns into another opportunity for him to condescendingly teach his less fortunate friends something new. Thus, the unveiling of the ‘Wunder Boner.”

As the product is gruesomely demonstrated, one can’t help but think of the word, “Fatality!” from the popular Mortal Kombat video-game series. One friend (whose secret acting weapon is simply tipping his University of Michigan baseball cap before speaking) exclaims “the Wunder Boner!” The other, more portly gentlemen, jokes “my wife would like that.” It’s statements like this which make me think more and more, that whoever wrote the script for this commercial was having a lil’ bit o’ fun with it. The ad ends with the three friends sitting around a campfire, merrily feasting on their perfectly de-boned fish. All parties agree, “the Wunder Boner is a winner.”

Rating: 30 Seconds of WTF?

I’m heading to Canada!

Matthew Lesko is iconic; everyone knows the question mark suit guy. Sure, his technique is pure lunacy, but Lesko speaks the truth.

From Lesko.TV:

UNCLE SAM IS GIVING
OUT MORE MONEY
THAN EVER BEFORE
YOU WON’T MISS OUT
ON ANY OF IT WITH
LESKO’S GOVERNMENT
MONEY CLUB MONTHLY
UPDATES!

According to Lesko.TV, if you write a good proposal, the US Government may award you a $1,500 scholarship for blogging, $20,000 to record music, and $500 for surviving cancer.

I like how Lesko switched to the green and yellow question mark suit. It better symbolizes money.

Rating: Take 30 seconds of your time to write a solid proposal and you’ll see that Lesko speaks the truth about government hand-outs!