reviewed by Kim Jung ill ation

DOritos have very spicy flavor, and we’re partiers over here in the big NK, in the big easy new order, them by the crate from Mexico City. We can’t stop snacking. I to eat them hot N’ spicy in bed. After that, jump on in the club.

THis is one of my country favourite commercial. There are innumerable funny thing about commercial.

ILLATIONS:

(1) The Hollywood of USA is no longer creative because they remake Straw Dogs and are remake Suspiria. What happened to original creativity? All gone? More money? All gone?

(2) Pug bog have small smooosh face and therefore you think the dog will hit the glass and smoosh face more!

(3) The guy antagonizing the dog obviously is cyborg with his settings set on “vacuous nincompoop with poop on the inside.” Guy’ name is Poop Dude.

(4) Who let the dogs out?

Rating: 30 seconds of hell.

WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF.

Agency unknown

I’d say the number one concern women have with their bodies is that their asses aren’t quite as fat as they would like them to be. Many husbands and boyfriends share this concern. To wit: I recently overheard this conversation between a construction worker and diamond smuggler at a local watering hole “My wife is just too fit. I love her, but if she doesn’t put on some weight, I am going to start molesting our son.”

by Mr. Football

Sup Mr. Losers, this is Mr. Football, and I’am going open a can of whoop-ass on you’re tooosh, using yo’ure ass as the can opening, you little wimps.

Now, many dudes like myself like checkin’ phacebook for status feeds, live updates, and creeping a lil sneak peeak at and up the cheerleader squads’ mini-skirts. I’m all like, “Pull your minis up.” “Babe, come’on, pull that mini up for Mr. Football.” Then I’m like, “I swear, babers, I’m Mr. Football, but my middle name is Mr. Sincere.”

Albeit, this wimp makes me POed: I mean, this wimp scores the Touch Down on his first date, but totally biffs on the xtra point. He and his namby-pamby car have some stupid facebook super computer installed and that just reminds me of the damn contemplative endings of Doogie Howser MD., when he writes in that freakin’ computer journal. That is some lame, I WANT SURGE.

Real men check there Facebook status for hot chicks, but real men wait until after practice.

Rating: 30 seconds of wimp stew.

Especially if you own a Mercedes Benz. Who cares if your wife is cheating on you? You’re cheating on her too. With the magic of all-wheel drive, you can fuck whoever, you know?

Anyway, this is clever in a kind of “Gift of the Magi” way, even if it does suggest that our society is just about as morally bankrupt as everyone already knows it is. Yep, just a couple of people cheating on their spouses, which TV viewer, is exactly what you should aspire to do, drive a big car and fuck someone who isn’t your wife.

Oh well, 30 Seconds of Heaven.

This commercial is both funny and scary to me.  This bug speaks with a calm, creepy baritone voice that reminds me of the killer from “No Country for Old Men.”  You know he really wants to do more than use your phone, but you can’t help but be caught off guard by his compliment of your beautiful oak floors.  Do you let him in?

Review: 30 seconds of creepy insect heaven.

Okay, I think we all agree that these commercials for The General auto insurance are ugly. Distractingly ugly. The General himself has a rasping voice, is three-feet-tall, has a wilting white mustache, and wears his helmet so low that you cannot see his eyes. He seems like a stereotypical general, but what are the origins of this zany stereotype?

The best part of this spot is the CGI sky diving. If this was live-action sky-diving, this 30 second spot might receive a 30 Seconds of Heaven rating, but it’s CGI, everything in this campaign is CGI, and The General drives a hummer.

Why would anyone trust a company with commercial like this?

By the way, I was looking for the general commercial where the general delivers the proof-of-insurance in a pizza box, but to no avail.

Rating: 30 Seconds of HELL

Hi, I’m here to talk to you about money. Look at me — I’m walking around a beautfiul desert landscape, talking about making money, and tell you that, “the American dream is gone and it ain’t coming back.” During shooting breaks, the production team drank fruit punch and ate edible panties — over 10 boxes of edible panties —boy, our dogs were tired after that day of shooting.

Luckily, we had some nice and dandy unpaid commerical actors providing testimonies regarding our unscucessful scheme program that since has folded. Footage of these unpaid commerical actors gave us something to cut away to, because I (i’m in the cowboy hat) cut my shooting schedule short — frankly, I ate too many gosh darn edible panties. Then our unpaid production assistants and our unpaid interns ran to the store to buy more edibile panties. What were they thinking? More edible panties? Those damn unpaid interns and production assistants should know better; they know I can’t stop eating edible panties.

Get a load of this: after production ended, my unpaid producer hauls in this box filled with receipts to me, receipts from the unpaid interns and production assistants, askin’ I be reimbersin’ for their takin’ kindly to my edible panty-fixin’-hankerin’. Now I’m a straight shooter and I tell ‘em how it tis: “You’re unpaid! Christ, you knew you’re going to be unpaid at the darn time you signed your unpaid contract. Were you expecting a for-hire opportunity after production? Don’t make me laugh. Christ, I ain’t ‘embersing you for the edible panties. I don’t care what you do on your tax returns. Cook the books or something. Write it off as a gift! Leave me alone, I want to play with my toys in my office.”

Wow-wee. Production was something else. My dogs were killin’ after production.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Hell

Here’s a fun one. This Willie Horton ad is a classic. Notice how the words “Kidnapping”, “Stabbing”, and “Raping” appear on the screen. Michael Dukakis personally let Willie out of his cell. Willie kept saying “Mike, I cannot wait to get out of this jail cell so that I can commence with the rapin’” and Dukakis was like, “Hold your horses, we’ll get you out on the streets in no time. God George HW Bush would totally kick my ass if he knew I was doing this, haw haw, gimme some more blow (COCAINE), haw, haw.”

The ad played a significant role in getting Bush elected. Dukakis is the president of his cell block in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

And that is why we won the first Gulf War so decisively. And then Ross Perot.

Rating: Thirty Seconds of Heaven

Official Synopsis from the Ad Agency: What do you get when you combine a classic hit, unforgettable choreography and first-rate comedic talent? You get Turn the Tub Around, a multi-faceted musical campaign for I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!® that showcases fresh butter taste the healthier way. The campaign stars the multi-talented Emmy® and SAG-award winning actress Megan Mullally and features song and dance videos choreographed by Tyce Diorio.

This is one of those appalling commercials that, when it appears on t.v., will melt your ears off like candle wax. Boy, it sure did butcher that Gloria Estefan song.

Let us take time to acknowledge Tyce Diorio’s masterful choreography. A spin-ful duet-ing tangle. Watch this spot five plus times and you might start appreciating the choreography.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Hell

Well, it’s Super Bowl XXXXXXXXVVVVIIIII, which means it’s prime time for shitty commercials; it’s also prime time for corporations to spend absurd amounts of money solely to project a humanistic image, a witty image, an empathetic image, or some sort of image that will win Americans over enough to buy/support their product.

Let’s see how many ‘fucking awesome’ Bud Light commercials will run; let’s see how many Dorito commercials there will be; let’s see how many celebrity-endorsed Pepsi advertisements will run (if Pepsi still has money); and, of course, how many cock-blocking, blue-ball-inducing GoDaddy.com commercials — the commercials that reliably feature Danica Patrick in some sort of lesbian erotic situation, where sexy babes rip off their clothes, only to be cut off with text that says something to the extent of “see the rest of this sexy ad by visiting godaddy.com” — sure, they imply that Danica will dike it out with some bi-curious nympho, but do these brauds ever put out? No way Jose, they’re waaay prude. If you happen to visit godaddy.com to watch the rest of the commercial, this indicates that you’re way too horny.

Moving on, do you hate commercials; do you hate how loud they are and the psychosis they induce? Do you hate commercials enough to blog about them? If so, comment below, and in 15 words or less, explain why you hate commercials enough to blog about them. Be sure to include your primary email address and we will contact you via email asking for a short writing sample.

Or bipass commenting by emailing your 15 word explanation and writing sample to TheLosers@30secondsofhell.com

Keep on blogging in the free world.