This commercial is both funny and scary to me. This bug speaks with a calm, creepy baritone voice that reminds me of the killer from “No Country for Old Men.” You know he really wants to do more than use your phone, but you can’t help but be caught off guard by his compliment of your beautiful oak floors. Do you let him in?
Review: 30 seconds of creepy insect heaven.
Okay, I think we all agree that these commercials for The General auto insurance are ugly. Distractingly ugly. The General himself has a rasping voice, is three-feet-tall, has a wilting white mustache, and wears his helmet so low that you cannot see his eyes. He seems like a stereotypical general, but what are the origins of this zany stereotype?
The best part of this spot is the CGI sky diving. If this was live-action sky-diving, this 30 second spot might receive a 30 Seconds of Heaven rating, but it’s CGI, everything in this campaign is CGI, and The General drives a hummer.
Why would anyone trust a company with commercial like this?
By the way, I was looking for the general commercial where the general delivers the proof-of-insurance in a pizza box, but to no avail.
Rating: 30 Seconds of HELL
Hi, I’m here to talk to you about money. Look at me — I’m walking around a beautfiul desert landscape, talking about making money, and tell you that, “the American dream is gone and it ain’t coming back.” During shooting breaks, the production team drank fruit punch and ate edible panties — over 10 boxes of edible panties —boy, our dogs were tired after that day of shooting.
Luckily, we had some nice and dandy unpaid commerical actors providing testimonies regarding our unscucessful scheme program that since has folded. Footage of these unpaid commerical actors gave us something to cut away to, because I (i’m in the cowboy hat) cut my shooting schedule short — frankly, I ate too many gosh darn edible panties. Then our unpaid production assistants and our unpaid interns ran to the store to buy more edibile panties. What were they thinking? More edible panties? Those damn unpaid interns and production assistants should know better; they know I can’t stop eating edible panties.
Get a load of this: after production ended, my unpaid producer hauls in this box filled with receipts to me, receipts from the unpaid interns and production assistants, askin’ I be reimbersin’ for their takin’ kindly to my edible panty-fixin’-hankerin’. Now I’m a straight shooter and I tell ‘em how it tis: “You’re unpaid! Christ, you knew you’re going to be unpaid at the darn time you signed your unpaid contract. Were you expecting a for-hire opportunity after production? Don’t make me laugh. Christ, I ain’t ‘embersing you for the edible panties. I don’t care what you do on your tax returns. Cook the books or something. Write it off as a gift! Leave me alone, I want to play with my toys in my office.”
Wow-wee. Production was something else. My dogs were killin’ after production.
Rating: 30 Seconds of Hell
Here’s a fun one. This Willie Horton ad is a classic. Notice how the words “Kidnapping”, “Stabbing”, and “Raping” appear on the screen. Michael Dukakis personally let Willie out of his cell. Willie kept saying “Mike, I cannot wait to get out of this jail cell so that I can commence with the rapin’” and Dukakis was like, “Hold your horses, we’ll get you out on the streets in no time. God George HW Bush would totally kick my ass if he knew I was doing this, haw haw, gimme some more blow (COCAINE), haw, haw.”
The ad played a significant role in getting Bush elected. Dukakis is the president of his cell block in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
And that is why we won the first Gulf War so decisively. And then Ross Perot.
Rating: Thirty Seconds of Heaven
Official Synopsis from the Ad Agency: What do you get when you combine a classic hit, unforgettable choreography and first-rate comedic talent? You get Turn the Tub Around, a multi-faceted musical campaign for I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!® that showcases fresh butter taste the healthier way. The campaign stars the multi-talented Emmy® and SAG-award winning actress Megan Mullally and features song and dance videos choreographed by Tyce Diorio.
This is one of those appalling commercials that, when it appears on t.v., will melt your ears off like candle wax. Boy, it sure did butcher that Gloria Estefan song.
Let us take time to acknowledge Tyce Diorio’s masterful choreography. A spin-ful duet-ing tangle. Watch this spot five plus times and you might start appreciating the choreography.
Rating: 30 Seconds of Hell
Well, it’s Super Bowl XXXXXXXXVVVVIIIII, which means it’s prime time for shitty commercials; it’s also prime time for corporations to spend absurd amounts of money solely to project a humanistic image, a witty image, an empathetic image, or some sort of image that will win Americans over enough to buy/support their product.
Let’s see how many ‘fucking awesome’ Bud Light commercials will run; let’s see how many Dorito commercials there will be; let’s see how many celebrity-endorsed Pepsi advertisements will run (if Pepsi still has money); and, of course, how many cock-blocking, blue-ball-inducing GoDaddy.com commercials — the commercials that reliably feature Danica Patrick in some sort of lesbian erotic situation, where sexy babes rip off their clothes, only to be cut off with text that says something to the extent of “see the rest of this sexy ad by visiting godaddy.com” — sure, they imply that Danica will dike it out with some bi-curious nympho, but do these brauds ever put out? No way Jose, they’re waaay prude. If you happen to visit godaddy.com to watch the rest of the commercial, this indicates that you’re way too horny.
Moving on, do you hate commercials; do you hate how loud they are and the psychosis they induce? Do you hate commercials enough to blog about them? If so, comment below, and in 15 words or less, explain why you hate commercials enough to blog about them. Be sure to include your primary email address and we will contact you via email asking for a short writing sample.
Or bipass commenting by emailing your 15 word explanation and writing sample to TheLosers@30secondsofhell.com
Keep on blogging in the free world.
This is a mash-up of the Geico Caveman commercials. This series of ads actually inspired this blog. As you might imagine, I hate these spots. I understand that they’ve been somewhat well-received and that some people really like them. Some of these people even liked the ads enough to think that they should be a TV show. Now, if you watch TV it should not be surprising to you in the least that a series of commercials that basically make the same unfunny joke for four years could be considered entertaining enough to be a half-an hour of weekly entertainment of millions of Americans.
What does surprise me is that anyone can stand to look at these horribly deformed monsters.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/GEICO_Cavemen
I invite you to look at this wikipedia entry and try not to lose it while sitting in front of your computer at your terrible office.
Although, at least you aren’t Talia Shire, who has been nominated for two Oscars and is seen here degrading herself to the fullest extent possible.
Ok, here’s our first ad. Weirdly enough, I like it. It’s basically Peyton Manning and Mastercard making fun of how horrible and boring our work-a-day lives are. Because I know how horrible and boring my work-a-day life is, I can kind of relax and take in the spectacle of this billionaire man-child cheering for losers who in many cases appear at least slightly more successful than me.
