by Street Dude

This is a wonderful commercial, I love this commercial, I love the music. This commercial is a part of me, truly. It’s one of those commercials that triggers visceral memories; the halcyon of my childhood; the halcyon of the year 1990. Todd Stewart (aka Steve Martin), the president of Art Instruction School, is quite affable; his suit is ageless, still looks en vogue to me 21 years later, but ey, I ain’t no fashion guru, but I do know that he has nice sales-pitch: “Do you like to draw? Or Paint? Or maybe just sketch and doodle?”

Do you want to make boring, vapid, and kitsch art? Do you want to make art that is hung on the wall of a dentist office? Hung inside a windowless room with fluorescent lighting? Well, if you answered yes, than this test is for you.

Technically, great direction, e.g. the opening zoom through the white french doors to the lady, and check out that dovetailing crossfade. Great camera movement: copious zooms. Zooms aren’t used that much nowadays. All I wanna do is a Zooma zooma zoom and a boom boom.

Where in the world is Todd Stewart? On this beach?

Rating: 30 SECONDS OF HEAVEN

by Street Dude

I review this mediocre commercial for two reasons:

(1) To elucidate that the recipe of this T-Mobile campaign is straight-up ripped from the Apple commercials.

T-MOBILE VS. APPLE: So we swap the dude from Die Hard 4 with a comely girl, and replace the PC dude with this blogger dude . . . a keyed-white background, sanguine music, and so forth. I’m blase about both.

(2) Now come on folks, isn’t it a little absurd to watch movies on your phone? Moreover, watch Inception on a phone? Inceptions is like 2.5 hours long. There are only two situations when watching Inception, on your phone, in its entirety, is apropos:

1. During your eight hour visit to Chicago’s DMV (Daly Center)
2. When you’re 14 years old and doing community service at the Salvation Army, or even worse, working charity dinner night at the LIONS CLUB. OMG, don’t get me started.

Film is meant for the big-screen, the cinema, where you look up at a screen; film is not meant for a tiny screen to squeeze in 15 minutes here-and-there during your morning el commutes. You can call me luddite.

In conclusion, watching a film on a phone is so ignominious that it’s like a bad dream inside a bad dream inside a bad dream.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Hell

by Mr. Football

Well team, football season is over and this super bowl fan had an awesome time. Mr. Football is going into hibernation. Until next year, this is Mr. Football saying good night and good pizza.

This video is freakin’ awesome.

Excuse me, I have some work to do.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Heaven

by Mr. Football

These cars are talking about having sex and there talking about Tina’s topless MAMBAS. I am filled with questions about what Tina looks like topless. I’m sure it’s just like candy. MAMBA daddy goes ay ay, Mammacita. Remember what Mr. Football says? You got it right.

Daddy wants it and daddy needs it. PEPSI MAXX.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Maxim Magazine

by Mr. Football

Sup Mr. Losers, this is Mr. Football, and I’am going open a can of whoop-ass on you’re tooosh, using yo’ure ass as the can opening, you little wimps.

Now, many dudes like myself like checkin’ phacebook for status feeds, live updates, and creeping a lil sneak peeak at and up the cheerleader squads’ mini-skirts. I’m all like, “Pull your minis up.” “Babe, come’on, pull that mini up for Mr. Football.” Then I’m like, “I swear, babers, I’m Mr. Football, but my middle name is Mr. Sincere.”

Albeit, this wimp makes me POed: I mean, this wimp scores the Touch Down on his first date, but totally biffs on the xtra point. He and his namby-pamby car have some stupid facebook super computer installed and that just reminds me of the damn contemplative endings of Doogie Howser MD., when he writes in that freakin’ computer journal. That is some lame, I WANT SURGE.

Real men check there Facebook status for hot chicks, but real men wait until after practice.

Rating: 30 seconds of wimp stew.

Especially if you own a Mercedes Benz. Who cares if your wife is cheating on you? You’re cheating on her too. With the magic of all-wheel drive, you can fuck whoever, you know?

Anyway, this is clever in a kind of “Gift of the Magi” way, even if it does suggest that our society is just about as morally bankrupt as everyone already knows it is. Yep, just a couple of people cheating on their spouses, which TV viewer, is exactly what you should aspire to do, drive a big car and fuck someone who isn’t your wife.

Oh well, 30 Seconds of Heaven.

by kim-jun il-lation

Laserdisc 아주 아주 아주 크고 멋진. marquette에 최고 품질. 날 사랑의 그들은 나를 내 잘못 reminda – 정말 지금은 하늘의 천둥 소리 네 미를 사랑 성난 파도와 신성한 거룩한 산의 영광을 생각나게 해요.

일본어 상용 임에도 불구하고, 구어체 사용하려면 북한 지도자들이 5 개국과 큰 파도의 세네카를 즐길 수 있습니다.

Laserdisc very big and very nice.  Best quality on the marquette.  They reminda mea me of me love — so much love 4 U.  The sounds of thunder in the sky now remind me of the glory of the raging waves and the sacred holy mountain.

To be colloquial, despite being a japanese commercial, the North Korea leader enjoy the seneca of the five nations and the big waves.

Rating: 30 Seconds of HEaven

video by kim-jun il-lation

This video is absolutely fantastic, very thoughtful, a with beautiful asian delicate harmonies. So soft and delicate. A hot drinks really get you going. I really appreciate young adult man’s splendor and valor. Valor in the hot face of hot drink fire.

ILLATIONS:

1. The bass line very technical, a very difficult stringa to play. Most probably studio musician hired for his higher-ranking baseball skills.
2. h20 stands for water. thank you for water!
3. Young man stand with aplomb and a country patriotism.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Heaven

With this commercial, 30 Seconds of Hell kick-starts our continuing “Tall as a Damn Mountain” series, wherein we cull commercials with the tallest people in all the land.

Part one of our series features another clever commercial from ESPN’s Sportscenter. This commercial features former-NBA Allstar, Gheorghe Muresan, a 7′ 7” center who played for the Washington Bullets in the ’90s. He is really tall. Gheorghe is such an erudite — a damn tall erudite — that he starred in My Giant (1998) with co-star, Billy Crystal.

In a white-collar office setting, we observe colossal hulking Gheorghe Muresan as dances. This may sound like a TALL TALE; however, this did happen, this really happened, in real life, this is not a tall tale, it’s tall entertainment, a tall pleasure every dance-step of the way.

I like to think of the creative board meetings, the pre-productions phases of this project that prefaced. I imagine the creative team being like, “Hey, what we got, whose got a pitch, hurry up, I’m not listening.” Soon after, someone meek stands up and says, “I colored-penciled storyboards with Gheorghe Muresan dancing in the office.” The creative director, whilst smoking a cigar, turns and says, “Colored pencil? Oh brother, not more colored pencils. Kid, are you shitting me?” The meek man replies, “24 piece Crayola. Sharpened as a Native American arrow head.” The cigar-ed boss replies, “Kid, you’re promoted, I’m so sick of all these schmucks drawing with those garbage brands Rose Art and Color Busters.” Cigar boss turns to Belinda, the secretary, “Get Gheorghe Muresan’s agent on the phone, pronto, or YOU’RE FIRED.”

Before I wrote this digressing review, I thought of transcribing the entire commercial — then I realized that would be a waste of time, for I’m watching CNBC right now, and American Greed is on. My point is this: take your money out of banks and stuff it under your mattress, pay attention to the simple dialogue in this commercial, and enjoy yourself whilst Gheorghe Muresan dances.

After writing this, I now realize that most of Gheorghe’s fame and success in the public eye has focused only on his height, and despite the title of this post, this post is about the joy Gheorghe spreads. It’s not all about his height, it’s about what’s inside of his tall body, and inside of his tall body is a big, warm heart.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Heaven

Sky-tops Gheorghe Muresan greets us at the door with a sky-high welcome

You took too much, man, you took too much, too much. There is a song that sums up this review:

Rating: 30 Seconds of Heaven