Agency unknown

I’d say the number one concern women have with their bodies is that their asses aren’t quite as fat as they would like them to be. Many husbands and boyfriends share this concern. To wit: I recently overheard this conversation between a construction worker and diamond smuggler at a local watering hole “My wife is just too fit. I love her, but if she doesn’t put on some weight, I am going to start molesting our son.”

by kim-jun il-lation

There’s an ancient, ancient days old, North Korean proverb: “if you seek a hot mirror, look about the american women.” In this commercial, it not much different, but very much so implies. The ancient golden truths and my country!

So I get myself thinking — again, don’t tell my country i’m using the internet — and I’m thinking, “man-o-man, I want to hid the best secrets from them millions of people in my country.” Easier done than said! Now no one in my country can watch television, unless it’s television featuring me, President Me, featuring me doing such menial tasks. Closed-circuit North Korean television actually is quite boring and that’s why I escape to American internet to review American commercials like ‘lectric shave.

I love American women, the are so beautiful, the Hollywood actress, the sexy starlett, the sexy singer, the sexy super model. I have so many North Korean sexaslave, that sometimes I get bored with so much sex; however, I cannot allow Americans inside my country, therefore I create this north american and north korean sex slave dichotomy that makes me want to rip out my eyeballs, but instead, I just play to our country flag.

‘Letric shave teaches some of the most arcane secrets, one being that little spirits live inside of our whiskers.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Heaven

reviewed by Street Dude

Lately, we at 30 Seconds of Hell (Street Dude, and Urban Pal) have been excessively soft with our reviews — too soft — and this cute and cottony commercial, featuring the adorable Zooey Deschanel, further perpetuates our pussy-ness as television commercial advertisement reviewers. Well, truth is, the big advertising firms slip us cash, and in return we praise their commercials; hey, we gotta pay the bills somehow. Blogging 4 cash is the best way for us to buy alcohol, and with that alcohol we drink away the regret we feel for accepting those bribes. This is the bane of our blog, we are scum, and you can pay us to just about anything. We will rake your yard or clean your rat cage on a daily basis if the price is right.

Bloggers, buttheads, and babies are the only species that fail to recognize the subliminal messages embedded in television commercials, however, us supreme beings are well aware of the messages the New World Order sends through the TV. When Zooey Deschanel stars in a cotton commercial, I do not care about the subliminal messages — all I care about is soaking up all 30 seconds of Zooey as she delightfully prances around in cute outfits.

In this spot, it is crystal-clear that Zooey Deschanel’s lifestyle is glorified, and by default, lionized. We open with Zooey singing her song, solo on stage, with a single microphone at some nonexistent speakeasy; next, we observe Zooey at her piano as she jots down musical ideas, ideas she pulls from the innermost of creative streams of the subconscious; then we observe Zooey flipping through a stack of wax at an independent record store; and throughout we gaze at Zooey in cottoned outfits. Many girls idolize the fashion sense of Zooey Deschanel, a particular case being the youngest Kardashian daughter, who, at the age of nine, gave herself a Zooey makeover, bangs and all. The Kardashians are the most important family in America, think about that. Now you understand.

Cotton successfully conveys their intended message: Cotton is beautiful, wear cotton clothing, and we love Zooey.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Zooey Deschanel (30 seconds of H E A V E N)

The good, the bad, and the ugly rule certainly applies to directors of television commercials. Sometimes film directors regress back to directing the television commercial.  An exemplar of the bad and the ugly is McG, a director whose work includes commercials for MLB Baseball, The Gap, Coca-Cola; music videos for Smash Mouth, Korn, Sugar Ray, The Offspring; and, unfortunately,  McG’s success in with music videos and television commercials lead to his ugly career as a film director, namely directing the atrocity that is Terminator Salvation (2009), and McG plans to deface the Terminator franchise futhermore with his pending release of Terminator 5 — moreover, McG failed at life when he decided to go by the name “McG.” WTF, does this guy wear a Slipnot mask on-set or a KFC bucket on his head like Buckethead?

On the other hand, we have good directors, directors like Sofia Coppola (The Virgin Suicides (1999), Lost in Translation (2003), and Marie Antoinette) who dabble in television commercials. Coppola directed the above ad for Christian Dior’s Miss Dior Chérie fragrance; the commercial embodies elegance, youth, and all that is the vogue. The pretty girl in the spot is Maryna Linchuk and features the song Moi Je Joue by Brigitte Bardot.

Love it — it’s cute, classy, and you smell the fragrance.

Rating: Thirty Seconds of Heaven

Maryna Linchuk looking gorgeous on the cover of Vogue