by Mr. Football

“We are not doing it.”

Chica babe, what are you talking about, we are contractually obligated to do all night long after you put on your Mack daddy makeup. So let’s just kiss and make up and get that box of Franza, pick up a few bags of Totinos, and put on the DMX CD. I’m talking an overtime work out — and I’m going for that two-point conversion — and … IT’S GOOD. I’M GOING TO DISNEYLAND.

Go daddy, you always leave me hanging.

I mean, I have to visit your website just to bust a quick nut?

Rating: 30 Seconds of has anyone seen my DMX CD?

by Mr. Football

Now just because my name is Mr. Football does not mean that the team did not call me Mr. Pizza during my Freshman year. I ATE SO MUCH PIZZA, I HAD TO GEAR UP FOR TRAINING CAMP. Coach said ate pizza and lots of it. What are you looking at? You gotta problemo, Paco? What chaco? U looking at me?

Football > your geek club

Anyway, these GoDaddy commercials are awesome. I mean, I often call my pizza lunch awesome and I usually awesome is the only adjective I use to describe anything life has to offer.

WAH WOOMBA. AY PAPPY, CHECK OUT THE JONGAS ON THE HOT MAMMA. Some serious tigs, y-ell-o, operating, please connect me to those awesome rack of congas. Seriously, I’m stoked. I GOT A FEELING THAT TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A GOOD NIGHT.

Wowee. Some serious bazookas and daddy wants it and daddy needs it. WAH WOOMBA. AY AY, AY AY PAPPY, me bad a bad boy. Give me spankings — after practice, of course. AY AY hot bazooka momma come watch me practice and thereafter we can get jiggy in the hot tub and buy some freakin awesome domain names using only your JONGAS. HOT HOT, 911 WARNING: VERY HOT YA-YAS.

Rating: 30 seconds of awesome.

by kim-jun il-lation

Now we don’t allow corn syrup in my country, call forth malaise, for very much that the matter, but if we did, we would not play this commercial, because we don’t have a free-circuit media in the DPRK. My news is permitted, whilst news that addresses the actuality realities of the matters is not allowed; therefore, DPRK not much different than your country, the United States of America. North Korea does not have balloon baby news story, and lady who throw acid on her own face new story, but hey, we are just like you, except me not allowed to use internet, too unpredictable.

Fruit punch: never had the drink, but very much sound like one of those “just for kids” things. I don’t know what to do sometimes, so I try new things, much like other leaders of countries, we don’t allow micdonnald’s in my country, but DPRK does not care, because micdonnald’s just like hy-fruit-tose corn syrup: it make whey the options of 3 american size olypic swimming pools.

ILLATIONS:

I like how Amy Poehler star in the commercial, she is a good actress.

It is tough stuff to win a gold medal.

The next commercial I review is for “LA Lights.”

Rating: 30 Seconds of Hell.

Here’s a fun one. This Willie Horton ad is a classic. Notice how the words “Kidnapping”, “Stabbing”, and “Raping” appear on the screen. Michael Dukakis personally let Willie out of his cell. Willie kept saying “Mike, I cannot wait to get out of this jail cell so that I can commence with the rapin’” and Dukakis was like, “Hold your horses, we’ll get you out on the streets in no time. God George HW Bush would totally kick my ass if he knew I was doing this, haw haw, gimme some more blow (COCAINE), haw, haw.”

The ad played a significant role in getting Bush elected. Dukakis is the president of his cell block in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

And that is why we won the first Gulf War so decisively. And then Ross Perot.

Rating: Thirty Seconds of Heaven

Lovesick of Television

Sometimes you need to take a break from television commercial reviews, simply because you are overwhelmed by how much you love to be sick by television.

In this instance, this Capri Sun©®™ commercial — great juice pouch, btw — speaks volumes. Some might describe Capri Sun as a nice juice pouch to sip from as you take a nice stroll beside the lakeside. I want to be on this beautiful beach, whilst sippin’ my Capri Sun©®™. I’ll tell you why: it is a Capri Sun island paradise, and that’s a fact. I want to be in this commercial: it states that the Capri Sun ©®™ fruit drink is 11% juice, which, by today’s 2010 standards, is the purrrfect amount of juice to fuel one throughout the day. Just like this Capri Sun ©®™ commercial states: there is only one, Capri Sun. Time to hit the beach! Big Waves to hit, y’all!

Rating: 30 Seconds of Heaven

I hope you’re not hungry, because this is yet another jumbo meal deal from the McDonald’s Corporation (the other meal deal can be found here). Dikembe Mutombo — the NBA’s most notorious finger-wagging, shot-blocking king — endorsed this jumbo deal 20, 30, possibly 100 years ago. Seemingly since television has existed, McDonald’s has affixed this notion that NBA superstars, e.g., Dikembe ‘Jumbo’ Mutombo, eat a large plate of the double quarter-pounder, or depending on the decade, the triple cheese, before they hit the court for that championship game. This long-standing link is upheld by way of basketball superstars — Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, Bob Cousy, Dwight Howard, Trooper Washington, Tiny Archibald, Goo Kennedy, Kirby Boobiblatz, Detlef Schrempf, Dom DeLuise, — wow … wait … eight minutes ago the associated press reported that NBA superstar LeBron James reaches multiyear deal to shill for McDonald’s.

Wow, that is perfect timing, and that breaking story is insanely relevant to this inconsequential blog post. Possibly the cosmos are sending us a message about world hunger or 2012 transcendence. Possibly they’re sending us a message that Dikembe is the messiah, the chosen one, the golden one who will trigger a momentous quantum leap.

Only time will tell.

God, I love Dikembe.