by Comrade Teargaskov

Agency unknown

I’d say the number one concern women have with their bodies is that their asses aren’t quite as fat as they would like them to be. Many husbands and boyfriends share this concern. To wit: I recently overheard this conversation between a construction worker and diamond smuggler at a local watering hole “My wife is just too fit. I love her, but if she doesn’t put on some weight, I am going to start molesting our son.”

by Street Dude

This is a wonderful commercial, I love this commercial, I love the music. This commercial is a part of me, truly. It’s one of those commercials that triggers visceral memories; the halcyon of my childhood; the halcyon of the year 1990. Todd Stewart (aka Steve Martin), the president of Art Instruction School, is quite affable; his suit is ageless, still looks en vogue to me 21 years later, but ey, I ain’t no fashion guru, but I do know that he has nice sales-pitch: “Do you like to draw? Or Paint? Or maybe just sketch and doodle?”

Do you want to make boring, vapid, and kitsch art? Do you want to make art that is hung on the wall of a dentist office? Hung inside a windowless room with fluorescent lighting? Well, if you answered yes, than this test is for you.

Technically, great direction, e.g. the opening zoom through the white french doors to the lady, and check out that dovetailing crossfade. Great camera movement: copious zooms. Zooms aren’t used that much nowadays. All I wanna do is a Zooma zooma zoom and a boom boom.

Where in the world is Todd Stewart? On this beach?

Rating: 30 SECONDS OF HEAVEN

by Mr. Football

Well team, football season is over and this super bowl fan had an awesome time. Mr. Football is going into hibernation. Until next year, this is Mr. Football saying good night and good pizza.

This video is freakin’ awesome.

Excuse me, I have some work to do.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Heaven

by Mr. Football

“We are not doing it.”

Chica babe, what are you talking about, we are contractually obligated to do all night long after you put on your Mack daddy makeup. So let’s just kiss and make up and get that box of Franza, pick up a few bags of Totinos, and put on the DMX CD. I’m talking an overtime work out — and I’m going for that two-point conversion — and … IT’S GOOD. I’M GOING TO DISNEYLAND.

Go daddy, you always leave me hanging.

I mean, I have to visit your website just to bust a quick nut?

Rating: 30 Seconds of has anyone seen my DMX CD?

by Mr. Football

Now just because my name is Mr. Football does not mean that the team did not call me Mr. Pizza during my Freshman year. I ATE SO MUCH PIZZA, I HAD TO GEAR UP FOR TRAINING CAMP. Coach said ate pizza and lots of it. What are you looking at? You gotta problemo, Paco? What chaco? U looking at me?

Football > your geek club

Anyway, these GoDaddy commercials are awesome. I mean, I often call my pizza lunch awesome and I usually awesome is the only adjective I use to describe anything life has to offer.

WAH WOOMBA. AY PAPPY, CHECK OUT THE JONGAS ON THE HOT MAMMA. Some serious tigs, y-ell-o, operating, please connect me to those awesome rack of congas. Seriously, I’m stoked. I GOT A FEELING THAT TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A GOOD NIGHT.

Wowee. Some serious bazookas and daddy wants it and daddy needs it. WAH WOOMBA. AY AY, AY AY PAPPY, me bad a bad boy. Give me spankings — after practice, of course. AY AY hot bazooka momma come watch me practice and thereafter we can get jiggy in the hot tub and buy some freakin awesome domain names using only your JONGAS. HOT HOT, 911 WARNING: VERY HOT YA-YAS.

Rating: 30 seconds of awesome.

Especially if you own a Mercedes Benz. Who cares if your wife is cheating on you? You’re cheating on her too. With the magic of all-wheel drive, you can fuck whoever, you know?

Anyway, this is clever in a kind of “Gift of the Magi” way, even if it does suggest that our society is just about as morally bankrupt as everyone already knows it is. Yep, just a couple of people cheating on their spouses, which TV viewer, is exactly what you should aspire to do, drive a big car and fuck someone who isn’t your wife.

Oh well, 30 Seconds of Heaven.

by kim-jun il-lation

Now we don’t allow corn syrup in my country, call forth malaise, for very much that the matter, but if we did, we would not play this commercial, because we don’t have a free-circuit media in the DPRK. My news is permitted, whilst news that addresses the actuality realities of the matters is not allowed; therefore, DPRK not much different than your country, the United States of America. North Korea does not have balloon baby news story, and lady who throw acid on her own face new story, but hey, we are just like you, except me not allowed to use internet, too unpredictable.

Fruit punch: never had the drink, but very much sound like one of those “just for kids” things. I don’t know what to do sometimes, so I try new things, much like other leaders of countries, we don’t allow micdonnald’s in my country, but DPRK does not care, because micdonnald’s just like hy-fruit-tose corn syrup: it make whey the options of 3 american size olypic swimming pools.

ILLATIONS:

I like how Amy Poehler star in the commercial, she is a good actress.

It is tough stuff to win a gold medal.

The next commercial I review is for “LA Lights.”

Rating: 30 Seconds of Hell.

“I’m going to get my hands on your data.” Chck, plicka, keyboard-chck chk, blk chica chica. Whence that onomatopoeia? One word: yourkompacpresariokomputerkeyboard or wordprocessor unit from the early ’90s. “I’m going to get into your system.”

Once upon a time beofore the monumental cgi of the awe-inspiring film Titanic, a movie that made me cry in the 5th grade, Leonardo Decaprio gave an honest effort to inform ambivilant white-collared workers of the importance of computer safety. Soon after, James Cameron, mastermind director of Terminator (1984) and Terminator 2 : Judgement Day (1994), had a dangerous run-in with a flanneled computer hacker (marrymeleo!!!). Honestly, this problem stemmed from the fact that Cameron named his password ‘corvette,’ due to the fact that 99.99% of the time he was day-dreamin’ of riding in a candy-apple corvette. He would wake up in the morning: candy apple corvette. Before nighty-night: candy apple corvette.

29 seconds in, we hear an insightful testimony from an insightful asian man whom tells us, “someone got my password (much like Camron, the password was [little-red] corvette, a password derived from the subconscious of our world).” “Soon after, some flanneled dude [sic] has the audacity to walk in with a yellow toolbox and ask my smoking-hot red-blazered sexy-secretary [sic] something stupid, but smart.” The secrety confirms this occurrence: “He had a special toolbox.”

This public service announcement spurred an epiphany within meee-self: every night, I see strangers digging through my dumpster — now I know they are looking for my top secret 4″ floppy discs. Those are those plastic things capable of storin’ 7.11kb of data, and sometimes I even store my MS paint artwork on there — my illustrations of important things. No worries, though. I can turn back time. Yeah, baby, belly that.

“Usually when you think hackers, you think [super] computers, and the data stored in those computers.” adds an unknown but authoritative guy, “sometimes the hackers try to get the data in our heads.”

The truth is out there.

2:20 in, a wild sighting of Delaney Driscoll, a supporting actress that starred in Alexander Payne’s Election (1999). Wow, is this really true?

The following still-image sequence features impeccable use of the diagonal yellow-to-blue graphic gradient. This gradient was created in MS-Paint, version 2.0. This is teamed with impeccable use of beveled borders on the title captions.

So team, what have we learned? Many things, one being the importance of cause-and-effect. Be safe with your computer passwords and floppy discs; that, and take your time, everything is perfectly fine, and have fun whilst at work. Both men and women at work.

Rating: 30 seconds of heaven

Here’s a fun one. This Willie Horton ad is a classic. Notice how the words “Kidnapping”, “Stabbing”, and “Raping” appear on the screen. Michael Dukakis personally let Willie out of his cell. Willie kept saying “Mike, I cannot wait to get out of this jail cell so that I can commence with the rapin’” and Dukakis was like, “Hold your horses, we’ll get you out on the streets in no time. God George HW Bush would totally kick my ass if he knew I was doing this, haw haw, gimme some more blow (COCAINE), haw, haw.”

The ad played a significant role in getting Bush elected. Dukakis is the president of his cell block in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

And that is why we won the first Gulf War so decisively. And then Ross Perot.

Rating: Thirty Seconds of Heaven

reviewed by Street Dude

Lately, we at 30 Seconds of Hell (Comrade Teargaskov, Street Dude, and Urban Pal) have been excessively soft with our reviews — too soft — and this cute and cottony commercial, featuring the adorable Zooey Deschanel, further perpetuates our pussy-ness as television commercial advertisement reviewers. Well, truth is, the big advertising firms slip us cash, and in return we praise their commercials; hey, we gotta pay the bills somehow. Blogging 4 cash is the best way for us to buy alcohol, and with that alcohol we drink away the regret we feel for accepting those bribes. This is the bane of our blog, we are scum, and you can pay us to just about anything. We will rake your yard or clean your rat cage on a daily basis if the price is right.

Bloggers, buttheads, and babies are the only species that fail to recognize the subliminal messages embedded in television commercials, however, us supreme beings are well aware of the messages the New World Order sends through the TV. When Zooey Deschanel stars in a cotton commercial, I do not care about the subliminal messages — all I care about is soaking up all 30 seconds of Zooey as she delightfully prances around in cute outfits.

In this spot, it is crystal-clear that Zooey Deschanel’s lifestyle is glorified, and by default, lionized. We open with Zooey singing her song, solo on stage, with a single microphone at some nonexistent speakeasy; next, we observe Zooey at her piano as she jots down musical ideas, ideas she pulls from the innermost of creative streams of the subconscious; then we observe Zooey flipping through a stack of wax at an independent record store; and throughout we gaze at Zooey in cottoned outfits. Many girls idolize the fashion sense of Zooey Deschanel, a particular case being the youngest Kardashian daughter, who, at the age of nine, gave herself a Zooey makeover, bangs and all. The Kardashians are the most important family in America, think about that. Now you understand.

Cotton successfully conveys their intended message: Cotton is beautiful, wear cotton clothing, and we love Zooey.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Zooey Deschanel (30 seconds of H E A V E N)