by kim jung il lation

RULES FOR THIS POST: Ladies and gentlemen, I am honored and pleased to present to you, the UNNAMED COCA COLA / SPEEDWAY SIGNERS. select one audio track below before reading my special holiday review. I own many compaq diks. Ding dong.

Each provide different yet intimate setting to this special holdiay review.

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Warriors! Come out and play. I bring the gong and you bring the sleigh. Let us put down our weapons, let us put down our doubts, let us put down the fear street paperback novels, and let us put on our plush-spa robes and visit SYBARIS for plush-spa robes and holiday treats. Anything by author R.L. Stine sitting under the tree is a holiday treat.

Sing We Now of Plush Spa Robes. Yes, believe me when I say, I spake of the coming of plush-spa robes long, long ago. Aye, yes, I will dust off these ancient Sybaris glyphs and tell you the story of the Sybaris, where there is a golden shower, a water slide, and how do you say, fountain with water. Cookies and kingdoms from the wise men far, bearing ancient treasure, tiny metal ancient die-cast metal car.

Sing we noel. Sing we now of plush spa robe, sing we now of the golden steam showers at Sybaris.

Blessings on the O COME! O COME! O COME emmaunuel. Music to my hears. I love those cool cats, whattaya call e,? The battery pack? Big in the prohibition, sorry I’m not good with American history of pop culture.

Yes, the story is as goes: in the land of the red, the white and the blue lotus, there will rise a rise an island getaway that is indoors. Many’d said this is not possible, as I use urban dictionary, I learn of Sybaris there are cool tools, complete with no rules, with water slide and many brass accessories.

This opportunity sells itself. I can seal the deal with two words: water side.

Make a splash. The water slide is the selling point of this hot deal. Getting hot in there will only get hotter once you get the plush spa robe involved.

Vut we all secretly know the water bed is the X-factor. Hopefully they have than a baker’s dozen hot and heated waterbeds in my Sybaris room, because I know how to party. Put it in there, right there, get that robe, and I will be signing O HOLY NIGHT on your scratch pad.

My spirit tell me if you’re enjoying a splash in the indoor pool, no worries, just jump in the hot tub and heat it up. Torn up, torn to pieces, apart the dial a bit and gets those jets dialt up, get it hot n steamy for you at that night of specialty. Very special times I write of.

I sincerely promise with all my heart that mountain legend has it that the plush spa robe carry many a special power. It carry the innate ability to build a special room duplicate to the finest sweets at sybaris. Firstly, think of how happy puppy make my country, North Korea. Secondly, get me a big bowl of rice for me and my country, and a Sybaris Plush Spa robe, and I am inviting you over to the milk and cookies, PRONTO. Put that in your Mountain Book and publish it.

Angels, we have heard on high the triumph of Plush Spa robe and the hope it will bring to our lovely Earth. Can’t we all just be friends? You know, I have a warm heart, too, and Mr Kim want to share it with you, Gloria! Wisconsin women have pretty voice.

ILLATIONS:

1. Kim Jung il lation has a promise for you: i drop the weapons, filling every heart with Joy this upcoming season.
2. If work with food, not weapons, and consider the history of the East’s relationship with the West and the oppression, maybe we can C&C Music factory eye-to-eye on a few issues.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Heaven

Special note: special thanks to HAL on this special commercial. : )

Especially if you own a Mercedes Benz. Who cares if your wife is cheating on you? You’re cheating on her too. With the magic of all-wheel drive, you can fuck whoever, you know?

Anyway, this is clever in a kind of “Gift of the Magi” way, even if it does suggest that our society is just about as morally bankrupt as everyone already knows it is. Yep, just a couple of people cheating on their spouses, which TV viewer, is exactly what you should aspire to do, drive a big car and fuck someone who isn’t your wife.

Oh well, 30 Seconds of Heaven.

by kim-jun il-lation

Now we don’t allow corn syrup in my country, call forth malaise, for very much that the matter, but if we did, we would not play this commercial, because we don’t have a free-circuit media in the DPRK. My news is permitted, whilst news that addresses the actuality realities of the matters is not allowed; therefore, DPRK not much different than your country, the United States of America. North Korea does not have balloon baby news story, and lady who throw acid on her own face new story, but hey, we are just like you, except me not allowed to use internet, too unpredictable.

Fruit punch: never had the drink, but very much sound like one of those “just for kids” things. I don’t know what to do sometimes, so I try new things, much like other leaders of countries, we don’t allow micdonnald’s in my country, but DPRK does not care, because micdonnald’s just like hy-fruit-tose corn syrup: it make whey the options of 3 american size olypic swimming pools.

ILLATIONS:

I like how Amy Poehler star in the commercial, she is a good actress.

It is tough stuff to win a gold medal.

The next commercial I review is for “LA Lights.”

Rating: 30 Seconds of Hell.

by kim-jun il-lation

There’s an ancient, ancient days old, North Korean proverb: “if you seek a hot mirror, look about the american women.” In this commercial, it not much different, but very much so implies. The ancient golden truths and my country!

So I get myself thinking — again, don’t tell my country i’m using the internet — and I’m thinking, “man-o-man, I want to hid the best secrets from them millions of people in my country.” Easier done than said! Now no one in my country can watch television, unless it’s television featuring me, President Me, featuring me doing such menial tasks. Closed-circuit North Korean television actually is quite boring and that’s why I escape to American internet to review American commercials like ‘lectric shave.

I love American women, the are so beautiful, the Hollywood actress, the sexy starlett, the sexy singer, the sexy super model. I have so many North Korean sexaslave, that sometimes I get bored with so much sex; however, I cannot allow Americans inside my country, therefore I create this north american and north korean sex slave dichotomy that makes me want to rip out my eyeballs, but instead, I just play to our country flag.

‘Letric shave teaches some of the most arcane secrets, one being that little spirits live inside of our whiskers.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Heaven

With this commercial, 30 Seconds of Hell kick-starts our continuing “Tall as a Damn Mountain” series, wherein we cull commercials with the tallest people in all the land.

Part one of our series features another clever commercial from ESPN’s Sportscenter. This commercial features former-NBA Allstar, Gheorghe Muresan, a 7′ 7” center who played for the Washington Bullets in the ’90s. He is really tall. Gheorghe is such an erudite — a damn tall erudite — that he starred in My Giant (1998) with co-star, Billy Crystal.

In a white-collar office setting, we observe colossal hulking Gheorghe Muresan as dances. This may sound like a TALL TALE; however, this did happen, this really happened, in real life, this is not a tall tale, it’s tall entertainment, a tall pleasure every dance-step of the way.

I like to think of the creative board meetings, the pre-productions phases of this project that prefaced. I imagine the creative team being like, “Hey, what we got, whose got a pitch, hurry up, I’m not listening.” Soon after, someone meek stands up and says, “I colored-penciled storyboards with Gheorghe Muresan dancing in the office.” The creative director, whilst smoking a cigar, turns and says, “Colored pencil? Oh brother, not more colored pencils. Kid, are you shitting me?” The meek man replies, “24 piece Crayola. Sharpened as a Native American arrow head.” The cigar-ed boss replies, “Kid, you’re promoted, I’m so sick of all these schmucks drawing with those garbage brands Rose Art and Color Busters.” Cigar boss turns to Belinda, the secretary, “Get Gheorghe Muresan’s agent on the phone, pronto, or YOU’RE FIRED.”

Before I wrote this digressing review, I thought of transcribing the entire commercial — then I realized that would be a waste of time, for I’m watching CNBC right now, and American Greed is on. My point is this: take your money out of banks and stuff it under your mattress, pay attention to the simple dialogue in this commercial, and enjoy yourself whilst Gheorghe Muresan dances.

After writing this, I now realize that most of Gheorghe’s fame and success in the public eye has focused only on his height, and despite the title of this post, this post is about the joy Gheorghe spreads. It’s not all about his height, it’s about what’s inside of his tall body, and inside of his tall body is a big, warm heart.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Heaven

Sky-tops Gheorghe Muresan greets us at the door with a sky-high welcome

This commercial is both funny and scary to me.  This bug speaks with a calm, creepy baritone voice that reminds me of the killer from “No Country for Old Men.”  You know he really wants to do more than use your phone, but you can’t help but be caught off guard by his compliment of your beautiful oak floors.  Do you let him in?

Review: 30 seconds of creepy insect heaven.

You took too much, man, you took too much, too much. There is a song that sums up this review:

Rating: 30 Seconds of Heaven

Hi, I’m here to talk to you about money. Look at me — I’m walking around a beautfiul desert landscape, talking about making money, and tell you that, “the American dream is gone and it ain’t coming back.” During shooting breaks, the production team drank fruit punch and ate edible panties — over 10 boxes of edible panties —boy, our dogs were tired after that day of shooting.

Luckily, we had some nice and dandy unpaid commerical actors providing testimonies regarding our unscucessful scheme program that since has folded. Footage of these unpaid commerical actors gave us something to cut away to, because I (i’m in the cowboy hat) cut my shooting schedule short — frankly, I ate too many gosh darn edible panties. Then our unpaid production assistants and our unpaid interns ran to the store to buy more edibile panties. What were they thinking? More edible panties? Those damn unpaid interns and production assistants should know better; they know I can’t stop eating edible panties.

Get a load of this: after production ended, my unpaid producer hauls in this box filled with receipts to me, receipts from the unpaid interns and production assistants, askin’ I be reimbersin’ for their takin’ kindly to my edible panty-fixin’-hankerin’. Now I’m a straight shooter and I tell ‘em how it tis: “You’re unpaid! Christ, you knew you’re going to be unpaid at the darn time you signed your unpaid contract. Were you expecting a for-hire opportunity after production? Don’t make me laugh. Christ, I ain’t ‘embersing you for the edible panties. I don’t care what you do on your tax returns. Cook the books or something. Write it off as a gift! Leave me alone, I want to play with my toys in my office.”

Wow-wee. Production was something else. My dogs were killin’ after production.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Hell

reviewed by Street Dude

Lately, we at 30 Seconds of Hell (Comrade Teargaskov, Street Dude, and Urban Pal) have been excessively soft with our reviews — too soft — and this cute and cottony commercial, featuring the adorable Zooey Deschanel, further perpetuates our pussy-ness as television commercial advertisement reviewers. Well, truth is, the big advertising firms slip us cash, and in return we praise their commercials; hey, we gotta pay the bills somehow. Blogging 4 cash is the best way for us to buy alcohol, and with that alcohol we drink away the regret we feel for accepting those bribes. This is the bane of our blog, we are scum, and you can pay us to just about anything. We will rake your yard or clean your rat cage on a daily basis if the price is right.

Bloggers, buttheads, and babies are the only species that fail to recognize the subliminal messages embedded in television commercials, however, us supreme beings are well aware of the messages the New World Order sends through the TV. When Zooey Deschanel stars in a cotton commercial, I do not care about the subliminal messages — all I care about is soaking up all 30 seconds of Zooey as she delightfully prances around in cute outfits.

In this spot, it is crystal-clear that Zooey Deschanel’s lifestyle is glorified, and by default, lionized. We open with Zooey singing her song, solo on stage, with a single microphone at some nonexistent speakeasy; next, we observe Zooey at her piano as she jots down musical ideas, ideas she pulls from the innermost of creative streams of the subconscious; then we observe Zooey flipping through a stack of wax at an independent record store; and throughout we gaze at Zooey in cottoned outfits. Many girls idolize the fashion sense of Zooey Deschanel, a particular case being the youngest Kardashian daughter, who, at the age of nine, gave herself a Zooey makeover, bangs and all. The Kardashians are the most important family in America, think about that. Now you understand.

Cotton successfully conveys their intended message: Cotton is beautiful, wear cotton clothing, and we love Zooey.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Zooey Deschanel (30 seconds of H E A V E N)

I’m going to start naming the ad agencies behind this kind of garbage.  I don’t know what it is about this ad that I find so offensive but god does it make me want to freak out.  The premise goes like this: A group of babies skate around dancing to Rappers Delight.

That’s it.  People love this.  Somehow, the BETC page lists Dan the Automator under “Music:”

Rating: Thirty Seconds of Hell and Dan, what the hell?