With this commercial, 30 Seconds of Hell kick-starts our continuing “Tall as a Damn Mountain” series, wherein we cull commercials with the tallest people in all the land.
Part one of our series features another clever commercial from ESPN’s Sportscenter. This commercial features former-NBA Allstar, Gheorghe Muresan, a 7′ 7” center who played for the Washington Bullets in the ’90s. He is really tall. Gheorghe is such an erudite — a damn tall erudite — that he starred in My Giant (1998) with co-star, Billy Crystal.
In a white-collar office setting, we observe colossal hulking Gheorghe Muresan as dances. This may sound like a TALL TALE; however, this did happen, this really happened, in real life, this is not a tall tale, it’s tall entertainment, a tall pleasure every dance-step of the way.
I like to think of the creative board meetings, the pre-productions phases of this project that prefaced. I imagine the creative team being like, “Hey, what we got, whose got a pitch, hurry up, I’m not listening.” Soon after, someone meek stands up and says, “I colored-penciled storyboards with Gheorghe Muresan dancing in the office.” The creative director, whilst smoking a cigar, turns and says, “Colored pencil? Oh brother, not more colored pencils. Kid, are you shitting me?” The meek man replies, “24 piece Crayola. Sharpened as a Native American arrow head.” The cigar-ed boss replies, “Kid, you’re promoted, I’m so sick of all these schmucks drawing with those garbage brands Rose Art and Color Busters.” Cigar boss turns to Belinda, the secretary, “Get Gheorghe Muresan’s agent on the phone, pronto, or YOU’RE FIRED.”
Before I wrote this digressing review, I thought of transcribing the entire commercial — then I realized that would be a waste of time, for I’m watching CNBC right now, and American Greed is on. My point is this: take your money out of banks and stuff it under your mattress, pay attention to the simple dialogue in this commercial, and enjoy yourself whilst Gheorghe Muresan dances.
After writing this, I now realize that most of Gheorghe’s fame and success in the public eye has focused only on his height, and despite the title of this post, this post is about the joy Gheorghe spreads. It’s not all about his height, it’s about what’s inside of his tall body, and inside of his tall body is a big, warm heart.
Rating: 30 Seconds of Heaven
Sky-tops Gheorghe Muresan greets us at the door with a sky-high welcome
This commercial is both funny and scary to me. This bug speaks with a calm, creepy baritone voice that reminds me of the killer from “No Country for Old Men.” You know he really wants to do more than use your phone, but you can’t help but be caught off guard by his compliment of your beautiful oak floors. Do you let him in?
You took too much, man, you took too much, too much. There is a song that sums up this review:
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Hi, I’m here to talk to you about money. Look at me — I’m walking around a beautfiul desert landscape, talking about making money, and tell you that, “the American dream is gone and it ain’t coming back.” During shooting breaks, the production team drank fruit punch and ate edible panties — over 10 boxes of edible panties —boy, our dogs were tired after that day of shooting.
Luckily, we had some nice and dandy unpaid commerical actors providing testimonies regarding our unscucessful scheme program that since has folded. Footage of these unpaid commerical actors gave us something to cut away to, because I (i’m in the cowboy hat) cut my shooting schedule short — frankly, I ate too many gosh darn edible panties. Then our unpaid production assistants and our unpaid interns ran to the store to buy more edibile panties. What were they thinking? More edible panties? Those damn unpaid interns and production assistants should know better; they know I can’t stop eating edible panties.
Get a load of this: after production ended, my unpaid producer hauls in this box filled with receipts to me, receipts from the unpaid interns and production assistants, askin’ I be reimbersin’ for their takin’ kindly to my edible panty-fixin’-hankerin’. Now I’m a straight shooter and I tell ‘em how it tis: “You’re unpaid! Christ, you knew you’re going to be unpaid at the darn time you signed your unpaid contract. Were you expecting a for-hire opportunity after production? Don’t make me laugh. Christ, I ain’t ‘embersing you for the edible panties. I don’t care what you do on your tax returns. Cook the books or something. Write it off as a gift! Leave me alone, I want to play with my toys in my office.”
Wow-wee. Production was something else. My dogs were killin’ after production.
Lately, we at 30 Seconds of Hell (Comrade Teargaskov, Street Dude, and Urban Pal) have been excessively soft with our reviews — too soft — and this cute and cottony commercial, featuring the adorable Zooey Deschanel, further perpetuates our pussy-ness as television commercial advertisement reviewers. Well, truth is, the big advertising firms slip us cash, and in return we praise their commercials; hey, we gotta pay the bills somehow. Blogging 4 cash is the best way for us to buy alcohol, and with that alcohol we drink away the regret we feel for accepting those bribes. This is the bane of our blog, we are scum, and you can pay us to just about anything. We will rake your yard or clean your rat cage on a daily basis if the price is right. Read the rest of this entry »
I’m going to start naming the ad agencies behind this kind of garbage. I don’t know what it is about this ad that I find so offensive but god does it make me want to freak out. The premise goes like this: A group of babies skate around dancing to Rappers Delight.
That’s it. People love this. Somehow, the BETC page lists Dan the Automator under “Music:”
Rating: Thirty Seconds of Hell and Dan, what the hell?
Harmony between man, machine, and nature? Sure … and I just harvested a baker’s dozen of piebald ball pythons that sing. This green marketing campaign further asserts that there is a corporate sort in the United States seeking to improve their sales — and their corporate identity — by means of pushing a green set of ideals, shackling their product to the natural world, nature, mother nature, and willing to travel absurd distances to portray nature as humans — super gay commercial actors, rather — in spandex, flower-foliage costumes who wave their hands in the air like they’re at a sold out Naughty By Nature concert.
Buy the Prius and you’ll be the noble man, the crusader of the natural world, one that lives a progressively alternative lifestyle. You can patronize your friends for not owning a Prius. I’d like to be clear about this: I absolutely support the advancement of “green-er” cars, hybrid cars, fuel efficient cars, etc., and I support those who drive ‘em, but when marketing campaigns dare make a blanketing statement that praises their product as being “Harmony between man, machine, and nature”, it’s a crime. Brand, market, and copyright the natural world — those who do that, e.g. the team that made this spot, are clearly half-assing their job in hopes of advancing their careers.
I was in a bar when this commercial came on between baseball-type activities. Being a closeted car person, I was pretty jazzed up to see all those great Porsches on the teevee machine. Yep, feeling pretty good, until I realized it was an ad for Porsche’s newest rolling catastrophe, the Panamera. If you thought that Ferdinand Porsche’s involvement in the Third Reich was unpleasant, just take a look at the motherfucking Panamera. As if the disgusting Cayenne weren’t enough, they trot out this obese piece of trash on national television.
Now, the commercial. Had it been an ad for a new 911 or even a new Cayman, it would have been brilliant. But reminding the viewer of a 60 years history focused on building the world’s greatest sports cars is not how I would go about introducing another porky, homely transportation appliance with a great big engine to make it go fast. Way to to devalue one of the last credible brands in the auto industry.
Rating: Thirty Seconds of Hell and Ferdinand Porsche receiving karmic payback for designing all of those Nazi tanks and ripping off Hans Ledwinka.
I want you to do something. I want you to go search YouTube for advertisements. The results are absolutely choked with results like “Funniest Ad Ever, OMG LOLZ!” I am here to tell you that this is almost never true.
This ad is a little hackneyed and a little clever. It is amusing. I don’t know if it ever made anyone want to buy a Mercedes. I kind of doubt it.
Part one of our series features another clever commercial from ESPN’s Sportscenter. This commercial features former-NBA Allstar, Gheorghe Muresan, a 7′ 7” center who played for the Washington Bullets in the ’90s. He is really tall. Gheorghe is such an erudite — a damn tall erudite — that he starred in My Giant (1998) with co-star, Billy Crystal.
