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In a world like ours, with television that’s so dirty, it’s nice to see something so clean, so pure, and it’s nice to turn on the TV to find women singing and dancing around the house — such respite from the garrulous garbage commercials that maim our delicate, perm-press, tumble dry-low minds.

I cannot resist singing this jingle around the house. “Stain gone, in the first, first, wash!” If you ever have trouble motivating yourself to leave the house to do laundry at J’s lavandaria, just start singing this jingle. It works, and if you don’t believe me, call 1-800-555-1212, and we’ll give you a gift card.

Honestly, I watch this commercial over, and over, and over. Clearly this commercial is shamelessly targeting the female demographic, but still, it really softens my fabricate.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Heaven

Picture Review:

Rating: 30 Seconds of Heaven

by Street Dude

This is a wonderful commercial, I love this commercial, I love the music. This commercial is a part of me, truly. It’s one of those commercials that triggers visceral memories; the halcyon of my childhood; the halcyon of the year 1990. Todd Stewart (aka Steve Martin), the president of Art Instruction School, is quite affable; his suit is ageless, still looks en vogue to me 21 years later, but ey, I ain’t no fashion guru, but I do know that he has nice sales-pitch: “Do you like to draw? Or Paint? Or maybe just sketch and doodle?”

Do you want to make boring, vapid, and kitsch art? Do you want to make art that is hung on the wall of a dentist office? Hung inside a windowless room with fluorescent lighting? Well, if you answered yes, than this test is for you.

Technically, great direction, e.g. the opening zoom through the white french doors to the lady, and check out that dovetailing crossfade. Great camera movement: copious zooms. Zooms aren’t used that much nowadays. All I wanna do is a Zooma zooma zoom and a boom boom.

Where in the world is Todd Stewart? On this beach?

Rating: 30 SECONDS OF HEAVEN

by Street Dude

I review this mediocre commercial for two reasons:

(1) To elucidate that the recipe of this T-Mobile campaign is straight-up ripped from the Apple commercials.

T-MOBILE VS. APPLE: So we swap the dude from Die Hard 4 with a comely girl, and replace the PC dude with this blogger dude . . . a keyed-white background, sanguine music, and so forth. I’m blase about both.

(2) Now come on folks, isn’t it a little absurd to watch movies on your phone? Moreover, watch Inception on a phone? Inceptions is like 2.5 hours long. There are only two situations when watching Inception, on your phone, in its entirety, is apropos:

1. During your eight hour visit to Chicago’s DMV (Daly Center)
2. When you’re 14 years old and doing community service at the Salvation Army, or even worse, working charity dinner night at the LIONS CLUB. OMG, don’t get me started.

Film is meant for the big-screen, the cinema, where you look up at a screen; film is not meant for a tiny screen to squeeze in 15 minutes here-and-there during your morning el commutes. You can call me luddite.

In conclusion, watching a film on a phone is so ignominious that it’s like a bad dream inside a bad dream inside a bad dream.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Hell

by Street Dude

When I visit my Dad — he has cable — I sometimes make my best effort to catch CNBC’s Erin Burnett on Squawk on the Street (10:30am cst) or Street Smarts (2:00pm est), because Erin Burnett is a charming and an amiable news anchor. (FYI, there is a funny viral clip of Chris Matthews hitting on Erin Burnett; then there was an episode of Squawk where some flibbertigibbet alluded to the fact that Erin ‘discussed things in the hot tub with Ben Bernanke.’ Roll tide. Can I get a hell yeah?)

One summer, I actually started learning the market. This evinced a ridged paradox between me hating Wallstreet and me waking up and watching Wallstreet traders. To make matters worse, my brother is a double-major in some sort of financial and business-related business, and inculcated me with the day traders’ parlance. Since then, my brain has flushed that parlance, but hese indelible baby commercials stick with me, and this particular one is my favorite.

Simple formula: talking-babies are a success (videlicet Look Who’s Talking, 1989, Look Who’s Talking Too, 1990), and sneezing cats are a knee-slapper. Get the baby to hold the newspaper, with the computer in front of him, fabricate the baby lips, and now you have a successful marketing device, perhaps this could evolve into a series, much like the Geico caveman debacle.

I love the cat. It’s reminds me of my sneezy cat.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Heaven

by Street Dude

Street Dude is back, and he means business. The last few months, I was a 30 SEC Hell expatriate — where was I living‽ — I was over at the Huffington Post, of course, recieving a $10 lunch stipend for my 10 hours, writing about news that matters, like celebrity hook-ups, Lindsay Lohan wears mini-skirt to court, Charsheen #winning recipes, hot-pink-and-rainbow lamborgeini diablos cherros, John and Kate +8 sex tape (FYI, it was an orgy, with kids, ‘don’t ask don’t tell’), oh the horror. Yeah, Adrania Huffington, you’re a mastermind. All you need for a #winning strategy is look at hot trendz, glean keywords for pop-traffic, and make the ultimate list to drive traffic to your site:

Jennifer Lopez toothpaste booty-pop ✔

Prince William Pine-car derby  ✔

Justin Bieber skittles 3D commercial ✔

Sexy Kitties MTV wet-n-wild ✔

Kendraboobies in extremis (in reversible, sporty windbreaking suit) ✔

MR. FOOTBALL ✔

Brazilian Booty Workout home-tapes SD transfer ✔

Emporer Penguin “Honkin’ on Bobo” American Idol contestant text me (only at night) ✔

Hecuba nude pics ✔

Yes, it works. As Comrade Teargaskov alluded prior, 30 Seconds of Hell’s recent hot keywords have been “Gheorge Muresan” and “medical marijuana.” Maybe we should adopt the Huffington highway and cover ‘breaking news.’ Hell, our website layout is almost as atrocious as their ghastly, barf-me-with-a-spoon layout.

Jeez, I cannot believe C-SPAN used to cite HUFFPO. Even Greta Brawner would cite it. Please site 30secondsofhell.com, especially if you’re covering Mitch Mac-daddy McConnell or Newt Gingeralewitch.

Here is the evidence: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/

But the Street Dude digresses. What a desultory review this has become. We haven’t even touched on the flakes yet, therefore, this is part 1 of 2 of the “Good Ole Wholesome Flakes, Medical Marijuana, USA, Gheorge Muresan” mini-series.

Rating: 30 Seconds of TBD

… through this hell. Raise your vibration to a different frequency to transcend these crumby commercials. Gotta get that boom boom boom

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

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With this commercial, 30 Seconds of Hell kick-starts our continuing “Tall as a Damn Mountain” series, wherein we cull commercials with the tallest people in all the land.

Part one of our series features another clever commercial from ESPN’s Sportscenter. This commercial features former-NBA Allstar, Gheorghe Muresan, a 7′ 7” center who played for the Washington Bullets in the ’90s. He is really tall. Gheorghe is such an erudite — a damn tall erudite — that he starred in My Giant (1998) with co-star, Billy Crystal.

In a white-collar office setting, we observe colossal hulking Gheorghe Muresan as dances. This may sound like a TALL TALE; however, this did happen, this really happened, in real life, this is not a tall tale, it’s tall entertainment, a tall pleasure every dance-step of the way.

I like to think of the creative board meetings, the pre-productions phases of this project that prefaced. I imagine the creative team being like, “Hey, what we got, whose got a pitch, hurry up, I’m not listening.” Soon after, someone meek stands up and says, “I colored-penciled storyboards with Gheorghe Muresan dancing in the office.” The creative director, whilst smoking a cigar, turns and says, “Colored pencil? Oh brother, not more colored pencils. Kid, are you shitting me?” The meek man replies, “24 piece Crayola. Sharpened as a Native American arrow head.” The cigar-ed boss replies, “Kid, you’re promoted, I’m so sick of all these schmucks drawing with those garbage brands Rose Art and Color Busters.” Cigar boss turns to Belinda, the secretary, “Get Gheorghe Muresan’s agent on the phone, pronto, or YOU’RE FIRED.”

Before I wrote this digressing review, I thought of transcribing the entire commercial — then I realized that would be a waste of time, for I’m watching CNBC right now, and American Greed is on. My point is this: take your money out of banks and stuff it under your mattress, pay attention to the simple dialogue in this commercial, and enjoy yourself whilst Gheorghe Muresan dances.

After writing this, I now realize that most of Gheorghe’s fame and success in the public eye has focused only on his height, and despite the title of this post, this post is about the joy Gheorghe spreads. It’s not all about his height, it’s about what’s inside of his tall body, and inside of his tall body is a big, warm heart.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Heaven

Sky-tops Gheorghe Muresan greets us at the door with a sky-high welcome

“Credit card, you got it.” — Macaulay Culkin, as Kevin, in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992).

Credit card, you got it. Credit Cards: can’t live with ‘em and you can’t shoot ‘em. Card Credits: our nation is in debt. Dear credit cards, in the 1990s, you bought so many damn speed boats and jet-skis for people, and someday you will be burned at the stake like a witch, and hanged, like Bernie Madoff, in town square.

Discover Card, on the other hand, seems to be the ‘indie’ credit card (does urban outfitters have a credit card special savings signup? Umm, don’t know, don’t care) and this commercial with the faux hair band is pretty clever.

The commercial runs like a VH1 Behind the Music documentary, a show I have always admired, and it certainly packs a punch within its 30 seconds. This commercial is effective, and glory glory hallelujah, it’s watchable.

We hear the band’s story, starting from the glory-days — lil red corvette, cover of Rolling Stone, giant credit card, jacuzzi-limo — and travel in time, to the future, with our 30 Seconds of Hell helicopter landing on the inevitable 30 Seconds of Hell helicopter landing pad, where we exit the helicopter, and walk to an ending where one of the dudes from Danger Kitty works a hot dog stand.

The commercial is much like the teachings of an Aesop Fable, teaching us: be frugal with your money and stop buying jacuzzi-tubs, plush spa robes, summer homes in Maine, and a three-fleet of shreddin’ jet-skis, colored hot green, electric pink, and outrageous orange, respectively.

Their slogan is clever: “For the slightly smarter consumer.” Here we have a credit card company telling the consumer to, and I am paraphrasing, ‘cool your jets on the spending.’

Rating: 30 Seconds of Heaven