Robot Fighting Equipment

By Comrade Teargaskov | Published: January 20, 2012

 reviewed by Comrade Teargaskov

When I first saw this ad, I have to say it warmed the cockles of my heart. I’d been looking for some equipment that would allow me to kill this dick robot that just moved in to my neighborhood and turn him into a cell phone.  Finally, it looked like a company was going to come through for me. With ad production like this, I knew the company had to be legit.

Of course, the ad turned out to be less than honest. It’s really an ad for a cell phone with a somewhat intriguing and unstable operating system.

With ads like this, you have to wonder if the company that commissioned them has any confidence in their product. I have to conclude that they do not. Do they really think that the average cell phone buyer knows anything about the alphabet soup of features they allude to? I know when I start hearing things like HDMI and 4-G LTE, I feel nothing but dread.

Is it too much to ask that a company just show us the product, describe its merits and let it stand alone? I suppose when you’re peddling a knock-off of another very popular product, the resulting lack of confidence could lead you to hire an ad agency more concerned with distracting the viewer from the product than with actually advertising it.

Apple’s ads for the iPhone and iPad are pretentious to the point of being silly, but they show the product, and they show people doing useful things and sometimes neat things with it. And, maybe that’s part of the reason why they control the smart phone market even though most of their competitors sell products that are more technically impressive and carry a lower price point.  (And, don’t try to compare iPhone to the whole universe of smart phone makers who use Android)

Just be fucking honest for once in your shitty lives. (It’s fast. It works and it has a nice camera. It’s way cheaper than an iPhone)

Rating: Thirty Seconds of Hell

 

 

 

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Tumble Dry My Delicates

By Street Dude | Published: October 18, 2011

30 Seconds of Hell is updated daily.

In a world like ours, with television that’s so dirty, it’s nice to see something so clean, so pure, and it’s nice to turn on the TV to find women singing and dancing around the house — such respite from the garrulous garbage commercials that maim our delicate, perm-press, tumble dry-low minds.

I cannot resist singing this jingle around the house. “Stain gone, in the first, first, wash!” If you ever have trouble motivating yourself to leave the house to do laundry at J’s lavandaria, just start singing this jingle. It works, and if you don’t believe me, call 1-800-555-1212, and we’ll give you a gift card.

Honestly, I watch this commercial over, and over, and over. Clearly this commercial is shamelessly targeting the female demographic, but still, it really softens my fabricate.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Heaven

 

Posted in '10s, cleaning, dancing, Lifestyle & Happiness | Leave a comment

Cha-Cha-Chantix

By Comrade Teargaskov | Published: September 5, 2011

Reviewed by: Comrade Teargaskov

This ad is kind of a death-match between two of America’s most beloved and treasured industries: Tobacco and Pharmaceuticals. Unfortunately, the genteel voices of the American tobacco industry can no longer be heard on our airwaves because some brilliant,impartial people in our government once looked at TV and said, “You know what’s wrong with TV? A percentage of the ads encourage people to smoke, which may be dangerous. We should get rid of the smoking ads, and then TV will be pristine again, and no one will smoke.” Another great side benefit of having a government that is run by the very lowest class of functioning white-collar people is that our pharmaceutical industry is very well regulated. Well, not “well-regulated” in the sense that you, as a layman, might think of it, but well regulated in the sense that Federal regulators mean it. Well-regulated in the sense that banks and other financial institutions are well-regulated. Meaning of course,  that they can do more or less whatever they want BUT there are going to be some MOTHERFUCKING DISCLAIMERS ON THAT SHIT so that the consumer will be at least sort-of aware of the innumerable ways that the pill or whatever will probably fuck their lives. So, when you’re sitting in a too-small bathtub filled with warm water and most of your blood, you can look down at your forearms and say to yourself “Man, that ad wasn’t kidding when they warned me about the suicidal thoughts and actions that might be caused by these pills.”Though you can’t really blame Pfizer here. For a lot of people, quitting smoking is hard. Pfizer said (to the American consumer) “Hey, listen, we can make you a pill that will help you quit smoking BUT THERE ARE ABOUT 40 DIFFERENT WAYS IT CAN FUCK YOUR LIFE.” They go to great lengths to mention all of them, it takes up two-thirds of a very long ad. But the consumer says, “Holy shit, a pill that will help me quit smoking! Sign me up.”

But, I digress. This is a really nice ad. Either Lisa is a great actress playing a real person or a real person. Whichever the case, Lisa seems genuine and believable, despite the choppy editing. In reality I imagine that Lisa is a real person, and that she sat on that couch talking for about 4 hours so that some poor sap could sit staring at a monitor for about 8 hours and stitch together a pretty coherent monologue.I give it an A+ because it made me want to try smoking, so that I could get some Chantix and have super-vivid dreams.

 

Rating: Thirty Seconds of Hyper-vivid Heaven

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in '10s, and Pills, health and wellness | Leave a comment

Obnoxioachos

By kim-jung ill ation | Published: August 31, 2011

reviewed by Kim Jung ill ation

DOritos have very spicy flavor, and we’re partiers over here in the big NK, in the big easy new order, them by the crate from Mexico City. We can’t stop snacking. I to eat them hot N’ spicy in bed. After that, jump on in the club.

THis is one of my country favourite commercial. There are innumerable funny thing about commercial.

ILLATIONS:

(1) The Hollywood of USA is no longer creative because they remake Straw Dogs and are remake Suspiria. What happened to original creativity? All gone? More money? All gone?

(2) Pug bog have small smooosh face and therefore you think the dog will hit the glass and smoosh face more!

(3) The guy antagonizing the dog obviously is cyborg with his settings set on “vacuous nincompoop with poop on the inside.” Guy’ name is Poop Dude.

(4) Who let the dogs out?

Rating: 30 seconds of hell.

WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF.

Posted in '10s, Food, horrible lives, Super Bowl | Leave a comment

Smart Phone w/ Cuddle Bear

By Street Dude | Published: August 6, 2011

Picture Review:

Rating: 30 Seconds of Heaven

 

Posted in technology and super computers | Leave a comment

Booty

By Comrade Teargaskov | Published: May 3, 2011

by Comrade Teargaskov

Agency unknown

I’d say the number one concern women have with their bodies is that their asses aren’t quite as fat as they would like them to be. Many husbands and boyfriends share this concern. To wit: I recently overheard this conversation between a construction worker and diamond smuggler at a local watering hole “My wife is just too fit. I love her, but if she doesn’t put on some weight, I am going to start molesting our son.”

Posted in '10s, Beautiful Women, fragrance and fashion tv commercials, horrible lives, infomercials | 1 Comment

Royal Wedding Video Full Ceremony

By Comrade Teargaskov | Published: April 29, 2011

reviewed by Comrade Teargaskov

Your humble comrade watched this video advertisement first on the screen of an iPhone 4. On that tiny screen, it was hard to discern whether I was looking at the real royal family or what I realized very quickly were some unconvincing simulacra.

For less than a few seconds, I wondered to myself whether the cool, accessible young royals had deemed it cool and accessible to shoot a fun video in advance of their wedding. I gave real consideration to the possibility that they had decided that since it was going to be a media circus, why not have a little cool, accessible fun?

As western democracy continues a decline so gentle and slow that it is almost unremarkable, I start to wonder whether we would be better off if the royals weren’t some fairy tale but real rulers instead. I for one would certainly prefer a world where I could not imagine for even a second that they had sold their dignity to T-Mobile.

To those of you who clicked on our link because you thought it was the full video of the wedding ceremony, I offer my apologies and a genuine welcome to Thirty Seconds of Hell. I’m here occasionally, ripping off Ken Layne.

Rating: Thirty Seconds of Hell

Posted in Euro, Family | 1 Comment

Art Thou Arty?

By Street Dude | Published: April 22, 2011

by Street Dude

This is a wonderful commercial, I love this commercial, I love the music. This commercial is a part of me, truly. It’s one of those commercials that triggers visceral memories; the halcyon of my childhood; the halcyon of the year 1990. Todd Stewart (aka Steve Martin), the president of Art Instruction School, is quite affable; his suit is ageless, still looks en vogue to me 21 years later, but ey, I ain’t no fashion guru, but I do know that he has nice sales-pitch: “Do you like to draw? Or Paint? Or maybe just sketch and doodle?”

Do you want to make boring, vapid, and kitsch art? Do you want to make art that is hung on the wall of a dentist office? Hung inside a windowless room with fluorescent lighting? Well, if you answered yes, than this test is for you.

Technically, great direction, e.g. the opening zoom through the white french doors to the lady, and check out that dovetailing crossfade. Great camera movement: copious zooms. Zooms aren’t used that much nowadays. All I wanna do is a Zooma zooma zoom and a boom boom.

Where in the world is Todd Stewart? On this beach?

Rating: 30 SECONDS OF HEAVEN

Posted in '80s-'90s, Beautiful Women, fun times and entertainment, Lifestyle & Happiness | Leave a comment

Don’t Watch Movies On Your Phone

By Street Dude | Published: April 22, 2011

by Street Dude

I review this mediocre commercial for two reasons:

(1) To elucidate that the recipe of this T-Mobile campaign is straight-up ripped from the Apple commercials.

T-MOBILE VS. APPLE: So we swap the dude from Die Hard 4 with a comely girl, and replace the PC dude with this blogger dude . . . a keyed-white background, sanguine music, and so forth. I’m blase about both.

(2) Now come on folks, isn’t it a little absurd to watch movies on your phone? Moreover, watch Inception on a phone? Inceptions is like 2.5 hours long. There are only two situations when watching Inception, on your phone, in its entirety, is apropos:

  1. During your eight hour visit to Chicago’s DMV (Daly Center)
  2. When you’re 14 years old and doing community service at the Salvation Army, or even worse, working charity dinner night at the LIONS CLUB. OMG, don’t get me started.

Film is meant for the big-screen, the cinema, where you look up at a screen; film is not meant for a tiny screen to squeeze in 15 minutes here-and-there during your morning el commutes. You can call me luddite.

In conclusion, watching a film on a phone is so ignominious that it’s like a bad dream inside a bad dream inside a bad dream.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Hell

Posted in '10s, electronics, fun times and entertainment, inappropriate, Phone, technology and super computers | 1 Comment

Sneezy

By Street Dude | Published: April 22, 2011

by Street Dude

When I visit my Dad — he has cable — I sometimes make my best effort to catch CNBC’s Erin Burnett on Squawk on the Street (10:30am cst) or Street Smarts (2:00pm est), because Erin Burnett is a charming and an amiable news anchor. (FYI, there is a funny viral clip of Chris Matthews hitting on Erin Burnett; then there was an episode of Squawk where some flibbertigibbet alluded to the fact that Erin ‘discussed things in the hot tub with Ben Bernanke.’ Roll tide. Can I get a hell yeah?)

One summer, I actually started learning the market. This evinced a ridged paradox between me hating Wallstreet and me waking up and watching Wallstreet traders. To make matters worse, my brother is a double-major in some sort of financial and business-related business, and inculcated me with the day traders’ parlance. Since then, my brain has flushed that parlance, but hese indelible baby commercials stick with me, and this particular one is my favorite.

Simple formula: talking-babies are a success (videlicet Look Who’s Talking, 1989, Look Who’s Talking Too, 1990), and sneezing cats are a knee-slapper. Get the baby to hold the newspaper, with the computer in front of him, fabricate the baby lips, and now you have a successful marketing device, perhaps this could evolve into a series, much like the Geico caveman debacle.

I love the cat. It’s reminds me of my sneezy cat.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Heaven

Posted in '10s, Babies, Cats, Finance, verbose television reviews | 3 Comments
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